28 Aug 2015:
My rugby world cup squad has been picked and we’re ready to take on the world. I’m very satisfied with this squad. I personally chose nearly 75% of it.
There has been a lot of talk in the media about the Boks racial selections are causing upset in the team. This could not be further from the truth. I have had meetings with both the white players and then the non-white players to let them know that there is no segregation in this team.
Some people, including a certain former Bok “coach”, have claimed that I’m not doing enough for transformation, but this simply is not true. I started a rumour in the media that Damian De Allende isn’t really white. Unfortunately Damian’s family was not aware of this and have ruined this clever plan to help improve transformation. But at least I tried. What can be more transformational than making a white player black?
But I am not giving up. In order to help transformation, I asked all the players to write down all the contact details of all the men their mothers have slept with in the hope that we find a rapist. This plan has now been abandoned due to certain legal action taking place.
Rene Naylor, our sexy physio lady, came up with the simplest solution, suggesting we just do DNA testing, which will show how much of each players genes are European and how much is African. With a bit of luck the test might prove that some of the players have black grandparents. Unfortunately all the Afrikaans players refused to take the test, claiming they were definitely 100% white. Lood just sat on the floor and cried. So we’ve abandoned that plan too.
I'm so proud to have Jean as my captain. I don't know what all the fuss about his lack of form in the media is about. He has only had one bad game for the Boks this year and all of a sudden people are forgetting how good he was in 2004. I could not think of a better captain. He is so humble in his speeches when we lose. It's that kind of temperament I need for a big tournament like the world cup.
And it’s great having players like Victor in the squad. He brings so much experience and knowledge of the game to the rest of the squad. The young players in the squad, except for maybe the other locks, really look up to him. I think the other locks are jealous because no matter how kak he plays, I keep selecting him.
I know we’re going into this World Cup as outsiders, and most people think we will be knocked out in the quarter finals, because not long ago we were ranked number 5 in the world. But I honestly believe that this squad is good enough to go further. In fact I’m making it my new motto. “No matter how hard it is, I’m determined to get a semi.” When I look at the great players we have like Matfield, De Villiers, Du Preez and Burger I can already feel that semi coming.
BOKKE!!
4 Sept 2015:
Oh man I can’t wait until the World Cup starts! Not because I’m excited, it’s because some of my players are so old, I’m worried that some might die soon.
This week I have had to tell a white lie to the media. Oh wait, can I say that? Um… this week I’ve had to tell a fully representative lie to the media.
I told them that all the players in the squad are all 100% fit and will be ready for the first game against Japan. The truth is that there are still a few injuries in the squad. A quick summary:
Jean – broken face. A big worry especially when it comes to humble speeches after losing.
Willie – ankle. Not too worried, as he can’t catch a ball anyway.
JP and Fourie – Don’t need to train, as they were both brilliant in 2007.
Jannie and Coenie – Props. Not really needed in the modern game.
Francois – Shoulder. Needed to cry on when we lose/cheated out of RWC.
Duane – Broke his neck, but refuses to stop playing. Doctor says it’s just a touch of Schalkalitis.
Victor - Alzheimer's. Line out calls may be a worry this year.
Eben – leg fell off during training. I told media it’s a calf strain.
My medics do such a great job and . My first choice squad members were:
Craig Roberts (team doctor)
Rene Naylor (physiotherapist)
Vivian Verwant (physiotherapist)
Daliah Hurwitz (massage therapist)
Basil Carzis (strength and conditioning coach)
But they’re working so hard, they’ve picked up injuries of their own, so now I’ve had to bring in physios for my physios. My expanded squad includes:
Tanushree Pillay (physiotherapist)
Hugh Everson (physiotherapist)
Warren Adams (conditioning coach)
Niel du Plessis (strength and conditioning coach)
I’ve heard that Hugh has picked up an injury and will need a physio. Ag man! It’s starting to look like the human centipede of physiotherapists at the training camps.
Some of the players, I will not be mentioning names, say that we need good muti for the squad and need to get another doctor into the squad. I asked them if they had any recommendations as we’ve already got Craig Roberts. They say “which doctor”. I say “that doctor over there. Craig!” They say “No. Which doctor!” I say “Craig man! We work with him all the time.” They say, “No. Somebody to throw the bones.” I say, “Oh no! Who’s taken Jean’s leg off again? Guys this isn’t funny anymore!”
Only two weeks to go! Bokke!
11 Sept 2015:
Although my Bok squad has been chosen, I continue to look for racial transformation within the squad.
As an act of transformational unity I had a training session with just the white players this week. The DNA testing has been ruled out, so I decided to be a bit sneaky and set the guys some new tests to see how their genes react under certain conditions.
Transformation test 1:
I took the guys to a road and told them that they each have to take turns waving a small red flag for hours on end, to warn motorists that there are roadworks up ahead, while the rest of the guys goes further up the road where the roadworks are supposed to be and just sit in a ditch all day.
Most of the guys didn’t understand why they had to do this. Francois said, “Why don’t we just get a sign instead of a guy waving a flag?” I replied “Francois, you have failed this test. You are not allowed to wave the flag or sit in the ditch. Does anybody else have any questions?” They all kept quiet.
Jean, a true leader, said that he would go first. He manfully limped over to the side of the road and started waving his flag, while the rest of the guys headed towards the ditch. Before they got there, a bull came running out of the bush and attacked Jean! We rushed back to Jean who was now lying on the ground, clutching his “good” leg, while thanking the bull for the game and complimenting the bull’s game plan. I leaned down and asked Jean, “What was the game plan Jean? Was it to kick the ball away whenever it had possession?” Jean passed out before he could tell me the game plan. Man, I’m so unlucky!
Transformation test 2:
We headed back to the meeting room and I did some transformational Q&A with them.
Me – “What would you do if you’re not getting what you want at work?”
Duane – “We don’t really work, we just play rugby.”
Me – “Good point. OK, let’s say you’re a really good player, but your coach just doesn’t ever select you?”
Jesse – “Like if the coach keeps selecting old players who are no longer good enough instead of better younger players?”
Me – “Yes, you feel you’re not being given a fair go. What do you do?”
Victor – “Where are my slippers? It’s cold in here.”
Me – “Not now Victor. Go back to your knitting.”
Just then, Siya and Lwazi come into the room and say – “Heyneke, we are going to go on strike. We feel that you’re not giving us a fair chance.”
Me – “That’s right. Well done guys. I didn’t know you had been listening to my session.”
Siya – “What session?”
Me – “What if your strike didn’t work. What else would you do if you feel you were being unfairly cheated?”
Schalk – “Take it to the court?”
Me – “Schalk you’ve failed.”
Lwazi – “Set fire to the coach’s car.”
Me – “Yes, that’s a good example, but you can’t give my guys all the answers. Siya and Lwasi, you’re going to have to leave this session.”
We didn’t get anywhere else after they left, but it’s so great that the squad if coming together like this, with the black players trying to help the white players in these training sessions.
Some unrelated news. Some doos has set fire to my car.
Tonight we fly to the UK. One of the physios told me that the flight might be delayed because the boarding time is likely to take a long time. Apparently there are at least eight passengers on our flight that are in wheelchairs! So much for flight security when a simple physio can find out such personal detail about passengers of an international flight.
Bokke!
17 Sept 2015:
We are here in sunny… um… we are here in England!
Even though there’s not much rugby talk where we are stationed on the south coast I think there must be huge hype about the Rugby World Cup. I saw a poster at Heathrow telling people that the Rugby World Cup was being hosted by England this year. So I presume that poster is creating a lot of hype for the rest of the country.
What a great vibe here in the town of Eastbourne and to acclimatise ourselves to Brighton, where we will be playing our first match against Japan on Saturday, I’ve allowed the guys to go and enjoy themselves in the town. The locals are really friendly but they aren’t very well informed about rugby because they invited some of the guys to a “BJ party”. Well the joke is on them, because BJ Botha hasn’t played for the Boks for years. Adriaan Strauss said he would go to the party as he enjoyed experiencing different cultures. I hope he doesn’t come back with egg on his face.
Jean continues to surprise me with his brilliant leadership. I’ll be honest, Jean has had some technical issues over the years when it comes to defence. Often he would shoot out of the defensive line, trying to catch an intercept, thereby creating a hole in the line that the attacking line could exploit. But in all the training this year, Jean has not once come out of the defensive line early. I told him what a great job he was doing, by only moving slowly forward in the defensive pattern rather than sprinting ahead. He didn’t reply, because he appeared out of breath from the defensive pattern training. What a guy!
Part of my job is to inspire the guys. I often get guest speakers to come in and talk to the guys about what they can achieve if they believe in themselves enough. I’ve been looking for big stars who can get the guys motivated and believe it or not I managed to get Kanye West to come and inspire my guys (I have added him to my list of transformational percentages). I was very excited to tell the guys who they were going to get in to talk to the guys. I gathered them together and said, “Today’s inspirational talker has made it to the top of his trade even though he has very little talent.” Morne asked, “Who is it?” I said, “Kanye!” Morne said, “Ja Heyneke, ek kan!”
I had to sneak Kanye out of the hotel, while Morne discussed the importance of kicking the ball away while in possession. Kanye was not very happy to leave but told him I will definitely ask him back, unless Taylor Swift was available. I think Kanye is one of those rappers who swears a lot.
The media keep going on about how old my players are, but that simply is not true. Even though the average age of my starting team is over thirty, I think it’s good to have a good mix of ages in the team. Yes I’ve got youngsters like Jesse and Lood, but on the other hand I’ve got Victor and Schalk and Jannie and Jean and Bismarck and Willem and Ruan and Bryan and Zane. It’s a good balance.
Another part of my job is that I need to learn from past mistakes the Boks have made in previous World Cups and make sure I don’t repeat them. Looking back at the last World Cup, the coach stubbornly chose John Smit over the in-form Bismarck, leaving a quality player like that on the bench! Well I definitely will not be making that mistake. I have chosen Jean to start and I have made sure Damian is not on the bench.
To inspire the team before the match against Japan I have asked Bismarck to say few words. He has been through so much this year and has learnt so much. He is the perfect person to inspire my team… unless John Smit drops by. I’m sure Birmarck will understand.
Bokke!
19 Sept 2015 (right after the Japan loss):
Ag, poes!
22 Sept 2015:
First things first. I will not blame my players for this loss to Japan. I will not blame my medical staff for this loss. I will not blame politics for this loss. I will state right now that the loss is only one person's fault. Eddie Jones.
We are so dynamic in our play that only an insider like Eddie could have known how we would have played. Only an insider like Eddie could have known that most of the players have had limited game time recently and therefore would have been very rusty. Only an insider like Eddie could have known that players like Zane, Bryan, Ruan, Schalk, Victor, Francois, Jannie, Bismarck and Tendai are not the same players they used to be five/ten years ago. Only an insider like Eddie could have know that I'm playing players like Jesse, Schalk and Pieter out of position.
Right after the loss I had to ask myself where to from here. At first I was afraid. I'll be honest, I was petrified. I kept thinking I could never live without Jean in my side. But then I spent the last few nights thinking how the ref did me wrong and I grew strong and I learned how to get along.
But now Duane's back from the physio's place. I walked in there to find Jean there with that sad broken look upon his face. I should have changed that stupid lock. I should have dropped that kak Lambie. If I had known for just one second, Eddie would be back to bother me.
To Samoa:Do you think we'll crumble? Do you think we'll just lay down and die? Ag no, not the Boks. We will survive. As long as I know how to coach, I know the Boks will stay alive. I've got all my life to live I've got all my thoughts to give and we'll survive... well at least we'll try.
25 Sept 2015:
The match against Japan was the wake-up call that my guys needed.
When we lost to Australia earlier in the year after falling apart in the last 20 minutes was not the wake-up call we needed. After losing at home to the All Blacks while the All Blacks rested many of their first choice players was not the wake-up call we needed. After losing to Argentina for the first time in rugby history, at home, was not the wake-up call we needed. Losing to Japan at the world cup was the wake-up call we needed.
So now that the guys have woken up, I have decided to change more than half the team.
This will be Duane's first match back after a long enforced break due to a neck injury. The doctor and the physios recommended bringing him back slowly, suggesting he should be brought into the match from the bench and only playing 20 minutes. But I know rugby players better than medical people. Jean also came off a long injury break and I wasn't scared to make him start his first match and I was proved right, because he wasn't the worst Bok on the field (although there was lots of competition). I think he was on hunger strike, so I had to start him, just so that he would eat again. I think I saved his life.
Anyway, if Duane doesn't perform this weekend, I'll simply play him out of position for the next match.
29 Sept 2015:
What a brilliant performance by my tactical changes. Only a top class coach such as myself could have known that Willie offers more in attack than Zane. Only a top class coach such as myself could have known that Damian would be more dangerous on attack in the number 12 channel than "Hunger Games" Jean. Only a top class coach such as myself could have known that that the Samoan line-out would have been demolished by "Weekend at Victor's".
Despite the euphoria around the win, my heart is saddened by what happened to Jean who gave his all to get to this World Cup. We're all aware of the injuries he's had leading up to or during each World Cup since 2003. But we all felt confident that run of bad luck was behind him, even though since we've been in the UK, a piano was dropped from a second floor in Eastbourne, missing him by centimetres. While in Brighton, Jean was walking along a road when a car blew a tyre causing the car to veer towards him, but luckily ploughing into a group a school children instead of bumping into his weak knee. These near misses made us think that the curse was lifted but then we realised that we had to go to Birmingham for our match against Samoa.
Directly after the match and before Jean even had the scan in the hospital, I think he knew his World Cup was over. I went into the changing room after the game to let the players congratulate me when I saw that Jean looked upset. As his mentor, I knew I had to fix this. Without hesitating, I took his face in my hands, looked him in the eye and said, "You did it Jean. You saved Springbok rugby!" and gave his face a reassuring squeeze. When I released him, I could tell that he was happy because I could see actual tears running down his face.
I've always believed in rotating hookers, before I even got into coaching, and it paid dividends against Samoa. Adriaan had a solid match and seeing Schalk Britz make his debut at the World Cup was a special moment. And people think I don't give the younger players opportunities!
There was a lot of media hype about how poor my Bok team was after the Japan match, but the support I found from the rugby community was amazing. Our media liaison officer is in charge of reading out all the positive tweets to the guys leading up to each match, but apparently there was a virus or something on Twitter because he didn't have any this week. Instead I found inspiration from the most unlikely source. All Black coach Steve Hanson sent me an SMS after the Japan match that lifted my spirits. Although I didn't tell the media what he said to me, I don't mind revealing it here in my diary. It was two simple worlds that meant everything to me, "Die Boks!" I replied saying that I appreciate him using Afrikaans and the correct term was "Die Bokke!", but thank you for the sentiment anyway. It was the lift I needed.
The conditioning coaches like to monitor the players heart rates during training. They suggested putting the monitor on me for the World Cup matches to see how it compares to the players. Unfortunately the monitors I've used have had some kind of a fault because the one against Japan said that I was clinically dead for seven minutes and the one they used against Samoa burnt out in the first quarter. The team doctor suggested that I should have a scan to make sure there's been no brain damage from my heart stopping for so long, but I refused, knowing that I don't need to use my brain to select my team and to tell the guys my game plan.
I've learnt so much about rugby in such a short space of time at this World Cup. Since the Japan match, I've learnt to not look too far into the distance, but to concentrate on one match at a time.
On a separate point, I see that England lost to Wales, which means that we most likely will be playing Wales in the quarter-finals. From tomorrow I'll get the guys to concentrate on beating Wales and if we beat Wales we will achieve what everybody said I could not do... get a semi!
DIE BOKS!
5 Oct 2015:
The Scotland match was really tough. They have a proud rugby history but it's so sad to see that many of their squad are not really Scottish. I was telling Siya and Lwazi how awful it must be for their home grown players to see people who come from foreign countries come into their land and just take over. They seemed to agree because Siya said something to Lwazi in his language and they both laughed while shaking their heads.
Away from the Bok camp, all everybody is talking about is England being knocked out of the tournament. I didn't say anything at the time, but I could see this coming before the tournament started. I have a friend who works closely with some of the players and he told me that only Dan Cole, Ben Youngs and Tom Youngs were the only international class players in the squad. Geoff Parling used to be international class last season, but not anymore. I won't name my source, but he said that Tom Croft, Manu Tuilagi, Jordan Crane and Freddie Burns should all have been in the starting 15.
During the Scotland match a camera caught me counting on my fingers and I've taken some stick from the guys, particularly from Doctor Jannie and JP. I can take a joke, so no hard feelings. In other news I've told the media that Doctor Jannie and JP are injured and therefore will not be playing against the USA.
The British media have been very positive about my two (that's one finger and then one more finger) young locks, Eben and Lood. They've been brilliant so far and as a combination they are getting stronger and stronger. I hope they continue to dominate against the USA. Of course by the time the quarter finals start Victor should be back from injury and I will obviously have to drop one (that's one finger) of either Eben or Lood, because Victor was the best lock in the world eight years ago.
After the Japan match, the media wrote us off. Many of our fans wrote us off. And after naming my starting 15 for the Scotland game, my car burst into flames again and was written off. This is the last time I hire a Toyota! Since arriving in the UK I've only hired a Japanese cars and things have gone bad for us. I now drive a Ford.
Die Boks!
14 Oct 2015:
One (that's one finger) more win until I get my semi!
International rugby just cannot be predicted. We've played two (one and one fingers) tier two (repeat) nations in the pool stages and we destroyed the USA but lost to Japan even though we had Jean and Victor in the team against Japan. It is almost as though my philosophy of "experience over form" doesn't work. That's just ridiculous.
There was a lot of news after the USA match that Frans bit one of the USA guys. This simply is not true. We always make sure we feed our props before matches ever since the Johan le Roux days. Luckily the Ireland/France match overshadowed the Frans incident. The fallout and subsequent ban of O'Brien was a good talking point about discipline before going into the Wales match.
Me: What should you do if your opposition sexually assaults you during a match?
Schalk: Gouge his eyes?
Me: No.
Schalk: I don't gouge eyes!
Me: Yes, I know Schalk. Let's not go through this again. Any other thoughts?
Lwazi: Burn his car?
Me: No! Anybody else?
Victor: Tell Bakkies?
Me: No! Bakkies isn't playing anymore.
Victor starts crying.
Jean: Thank him for the assault?
Me: No! Jean, you're not even supposed to be here! The answer is not to retaliate.
This appeared to confuse the guys. So I tried to come at discipline from a different angle.
Me: What do you do if an opposition player makes a chip kick over your head and if he collects it will score a try?
Schalk: Gouge his eyes?
Me: No!
Bryan: Fall down clutching your ankle?
Me: No!
JP: Slap him and hope that he takes a dive?
Me: No!
Jean: Thank him for the chip?
Me: Seriously? What are you still doing here? The answer is to try to get to the ball first without giving away a penalty.
Eben: And then punch him?
Me: No punching!
I don't know how to get through to them sometimes. I'm worried because they need to be very clever to understand my game plan on Saturday.
Me: What do we do if we have the ball in our own half?
Willie: If there's a forward in their backline, we run at them!
Me: No!
Francois: Maul?
Me: No!
Schalk: Gouge their eyes?
Me: Get out!
Morne: Kick!
Me: Yes! Morne you're a genius! Right, next. When we're in the opposition half and we have a line-out not far from their try-line. What do we do?
Morne: Kick!
Me: No! Morne you're an idiot!
Schalk: Gouge?
Me: No!
Francois: Maul!
Me: Yes! In our half, we kick. In their half, we maul! Can you guys remember these two finger things?
Frans: I'm hungry!
Me: Everybody run!
My plan may be too complicated.
22 Oct 2015:
I have a semi!
The media doubted me. The politicians doubted me. The supporters doubted me. Even my own wife said that she didn't think I could get a semi and she doesn't even follow rugby!
Since losing Jean, we haven't really had a leading spokesperson to address the media. Fourie is not very comfortable in front of the camera, so I took it upon myself to do a lot of the interviews before and after the games. I took notes of Jean's interviewing style and now whenever I don't know what to say, I just say that I have been humbled. Apparently it's created a new drinking game in South Africa. Whenever I say "humble" in an interview, Bok supporters drink. Unfortunately this means a lot of the supporters are passed out before the game even kicks off. I am considering changing the word "humbled" to the word "maul". I think this works for most questions.
Interviewer - What was the key to your success against Wales?
Me - Maul.
Interviewer - How do you plan to beat the All Blacks?
Me - Maul.
Interviewer - How do your guys relax between matches?
Me - Mall.
Interviewer - If you win the world cup, who in your squad will you have to thank the most?
Me - Hmmm... all.
I don't really like to make big changes in a tournament, but the game plan against Wales worked. We came into the tournament with three fingers different flyhalves and the game plan would have to be adopted around whichever one started. It was just too confusing, so instead we decided to just keep giving the ball to Schalk, even though he was constantly tackled backwards and gave away soft penalties. How many other international coaches besides me would have tried that? No fingers is the answer.
It's incredible to think that we could once again be rugby world cup champions in just over a week's time. Both the All Blacks and Argentina looked in top form in the quarterfinals and Australia probably had the most clinical win in the tournament against England. And of course the Boks were superb against the USA's reserve team. So all the semi-finalists are in top form.
But this semi is going to be very hard! The All Blacks have been the best team in the world for years. The reason why the All Blacks are so successful is because they have adopted the Boks' playing style. We play the same way, this was evident when you look at how the Boks and the All Blacks played their quarter final matches. The All Blacks attacked from all angles, breaking the opposition defence with ease and the Boks also scored a try.
Looking at matches between us since the last World Cup, there's very little in it. The All Blacks have beaten us six finger times, but we have beaten them one finger time. The difference in wins can still be measured on one (that's five fingers) hand. I don't need my other hand or my toes.
Ironically it is also thanks to Steve Hanson, the All Black coach, who helped give me my semi by giving me the words of encouragement I needed after we lost to Japan with the words "Die Boks". I now plan on using his words to give my guys the focus they need going into the big match on Saturday. Before we reached our new hotel to prepare for the semi-final clash, I had a large banner made to help the guys focus on the week ahead. As our team bus reached the hotel my banner was placed at the hotel entrance. A few simple words, to let the world know that my team is fully focused on its goal. The banner said "DIE ALL BLACKS".
Good news about my banner:We have a lot more English supporters cheering on the Boks. A group of people called, 'Britain First' are camped outside our hotel and cheer whenever they see me. I think they're England rugby supporters who were hoping England would win the World Cup and are now desperate to support another team.
Bad news:Tendai, Trevor, Siya and Lwazi appear to have moved to a different hotel. I hope one of my guys hasn't offended them in some way. It's important to be culturally sensitive to all blacks... oh kak! I have to go.
29 Oct 2015:
We are about to go into the final week of the Rugby World Cup and the Boks have one more game to play. Who could have predicted that?
My semi against the All Blacks was so hard! I can't imagine a semi getting any harder than that. When they penetrated us after just five finger minutes, everybody thought we would just lie back and take it, but we didn't. We tightened up and didn't get penetrated again until ... um... many fingers and toes later. And although my dynamic attacking team wasn't able to penetrate them, I think they'll definitely feel sore the next morning and I hope that Steve will send me an SMS or call me soon. He hasn't called yet. Why won't he call? Do you think it's something I said? I bet he's SMSing Cheika all the time! I hate Steve! Why won't he call?
As much as I admire Steve I thought that his game plan was strange. The All Blacks opted to dominate possession and territory instead of kick the ball away and hope for penalties to keep them in the game. And fair play to them, they won the match with this unusual game plan.
So the result didn't go our way, but one can only imagine how things could have been if we hadn't been decimated with injury. Could you imagine how we would have performed if we had Jean and Victor in the team? If they hadn't been injured in the group stages, I feel that I would have been writing a very different diary entry right now.
So now we have to play Argentina tomorrow to win the very prestigious award of third best rugby team at the world cup. I am playing my strongest available team and Victor. If we win, it will be a great achievement. If we lose. Who gives a f*ck? F*ck you Steve!
Die Boks!
