Valentine's pay

A valentine's day present is never easy to buy. Unlike a birthday or Christmas present, it has to be more personal than recycled tampons.

Women can be quite irrational if you give her the wrong thing on what is scientifically the most romantic day of the year.

If you buy her chocolates, she’ll think that you think she’s fat, even though she stuffs kilograms of the stuff in her fat trap every other day of the year. If you buy her a cute, soft toy, she’ll think that you’re a paedophile. If you buy her a vacuum cleaner, she’ll think that you’re going to use it on your cock when she’s out. This is all true, but it doesn’t make buying a present any easier.

This year I’ve gone all out to impress. I’ve killed her boss, whom she hates and left his severed head in the fridge. Then I tracked down her first boyfriend and after some flirting and role play games, extracted a cup of his sperm for her to drink, to make her feel young again.

It’s not easy being romantic, in fact it’s a pain in the arse.