Behind enemy lines

At my current work establishment, we have unisex bathrooms. HR explained to me, during my induction, that this does not mean a "wank room". It's like any normal toilet, except both men and women can use it... separately - HR pointed out to me, rather rudely.

But this gives me the unique opportunity to look at what goes on in the amazing world of the "ladies". For years men have wondered why women take ten times longer than men to "pop to the loo" and why women's toilet queues are always so long. What's going on in there? If I'm in the pub with a lady friend and before heading on home, we both decide to go to the toilet, why am I done well before her? Why doesn't she just go in, piss and come out again. In theory she should be done even sooner than myself, as statistically women's bladders are smaller than men's bladders.

One of the main reasons why men are so quick is that when we go to the "Gents", we don't have to drop our trousers to our knees and sit down. We just unzip, whip out Mr Scabby and piss against a wall. Sometimes we piss against a urinal or close to a urinal. Then we simply zip up, go to the mirror, which is above the basin, smooth our hair back, give ourselves a wink and then leave.

So obviously the main reason why women are taking so long is because they have to adjust more clothing and they have to sit down or hover, depending on the cleanliness of the toilet, as it's been explained to me in the past.

The thing is that if you're sitting or hovering above a toilet, you might as well have a shit while you're there. This makes sense, but will obviously add time to her overall toilet experience. So the next time you've been waiting for your Mrs outside a public lavatory for a while, don't shout at her when she finally comes out, just ask her if she had a good dump. She'll appreciate that you're knowledgeable about her womanly ways.

But is this the only secret to women's toilets? I can now confirm that there's more. Women's toilets also have magazines! And it's not even wank mags, as you'd expect. It's things like Cosmopolitan and Vanity Fair. Stuff with lots of pictures of skinny chicks, wearing ridiculous outfits. This makes sense as women are obviously shitting all the time and they don't understand sport, so there's no point in having newspapers in there.

Then there's one final thing that's in a woman's toilet, that isn't in a man's toilet and at first I didn't know what to make of it. My initial thought was that it's some kind of foot operated bin, but there was already a bin in the toilet that didn't need to be foot operated. Why would you need two bins, as this foot operated one is much smaller that the other one? Maybe it's not a bin at all. Maybe it's some kind of make-up storage device. But why would you store your make up right next to the toilet? Why wouldn't you have it by the mirror?

To investigate I pushed down on the pedal with my foot and looked inside, but the pedal only opened a small lid that didn't allow enough light into the unknown storage device to let me see what was inside. So I got down on all fours and pushed the pedal down with my left hand, while my right hand dipped into the bin to have a good rummage around. My fingers explored the lower reaches of womanly secrets and made contact with something squishy. I got a good handful of what was in there and removed it from the device for inspection.

Now I'll admit that I've made mistakes in the past and I've done things that I've later come to regret and quite frankly, since the unisex toilet incident I don't quite remember what they were. All I can say is that if you are in a similar situation as to what I was in, please take my word for it. Women are not secretly hiding strawberry jam sachets next to the toilet.