A bright idea

This year I have solved Christmas.

By that I don't mean that I have any evidence to prove that receiving is better than giving (it is), but I mean that I solved one of the biggest agonies that comes hand-in-hand with the day we celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ, whose life brought death to millions over the centuries.

Some of the big problems we face over the Christmas period is:
- Christmas music in every fucking shop.
- Visiting relatives we wouldn't normally visit because we want inheritance.
- Christmas shopping in packed shops crammed with idiots (while listening to Christmas music).
- Sending and receiving Christmas cards to people we don't like.
- Hiding the corpses of the dead hookers.
- Untangling fairy lights for the stupid fucking Christmas tree.

This year I've decided to tackle the last point.

To those of you who don't celebrate fairy lights for Christmas trees because you're a terrorist or you don't have a wife, let me tell you about the joys of fairy lights. When you first buy them, they come neatly packed in a little cardboard box. Once you remove them from this cardboard box they will never again go back into that cardboard box. It's just one of those laws of physics things. Not only will they never go back into a small container again, they will also never be without knots again. The more you try to untangle fairy light knots, the more knots will be created. Fairy lights are also quite fragile and once one breaks then none of them will work, because they all run on one circuit.

So this year, the wife and I (the wife) decided that we're going to have a Christmas tree with all the decorations. She was in charge of buying the tree (plastic). Putting the tree together (funny to watch). And decorating it with girly shit like flowers, crystals and tampons. I was in charge of the fairy lights.

So I headed off to the most upmarket store in London and bought the most expensive fairy lights known to man, came home and:

Once Christmas is over, all I have to do is shove the plug back into the box and pack it up for next year.

I am a genius!