Giving the cold shoulder

My wife is currently fighting a case of man-flu. While my wife stayed home, I went off to work and we had the following conversation via e-mail:


Wife: *Sniff* Where's my Lemsip?

Sad muppet: In the kitchen. I might be home late tonight, as I have to scour the bars for eligible young ladies to replace you.

Wife: Why would you replace me? I might not die...

Sad muppet: Sounds like you don't have much time left in this world. Oh well, you had a good run.

Wife:  I'm feeling a bit *cough* better *sneeze*.

Sad muppet:  If you feel like you're not going to make it, do you mind dieing in the shed? It would be awkward for me if I bring a lady friend home tonight and there's a corpse in the house. I'm sure you understand.

Wife: If I do go to the shed to die, what are you going to do with my corpse? How are you going to explain that to your new lady?

Sad muppet: Don't worry. I'll have you buried once she's left the next morning. I'm not insensitive.

Wife: Are you going to lock me in the shed when you get home?

Sad muppet: No. I presume you'll de dead by then. No need to keep you locked up.

Wife: What if a fox eats my decomposing limbs?

Sad muppet: Less of you to bury. Cost saving.

Wife: But I'd rather be buried with ALL my limbs.

Sad muppet: Why? Are you going to need them?

Wife: Well, no, but I thought it would be nice to return to the earth complete.

Sad muppet: And you will. It's just that some of it will be returned via a fox's bum.

Wife:  I hope this news doesn't upset you, but I think I'm probably not going to die for another few years.

Sad muppet: We'll see about that.

Wife: If I die in mysterious circumstances, you're going to be well banged up.

Sad muppet:  Is a knife in the back while you sleep known as "mysterious circumstances"?

Wife: Not really...

Sad muppet: What if you're in a room by yourself? The room can only be unlocked from the inside and you have no arms or legs.

Wife: Block of ice!

Sad muppet: You watch too much CSI. By the way, I'm expecting a delivery of a large block of ice. Could you please turn the heating off until I get home. Thanks

Wife: What's happening to my arms and legs?

Sad muppet: Fell off due to your cold and a chainsaw incident.

Wife: Would you say that chainsaw + limbs = "fell off"?

Sad muppet: Hmmm... sounds like mysterious circumstances to me.

Wife:  I would like to go on record and say I am fundamentally against the whole block of ice and chainsaw idea.

Sad muppet: But I was going to do an ice-sculpture of you.

Wife: Oh.  Sorry. Well, OK then. But please keep the chainsaw away from my legs and arms.

Sad muppet: The thing is, ice-sculpting is difficult and it would be easier if my model didn't have limbs. I'm sure you can appreciate this.

Wife:  I think I would rather - all things considered - to keep my limbs and sacrifice the ice sculpture.

Sad muppet: Why must you always piss on my ideas? Why can't you just support me for once?

Wife: I'm sorry. You can cut my limbs off.

Sad muppet: Thank you! That means so much to me. You're awesome. Now go to the shed and die.