“Daddy. Where do babies come from?”

The question caught me off guard, as I had just finished preparing my six year old for bed and expected him to fall asleep within minutes.

But as I looked down on him, I could tell that there was no sign of tiredness in his eyes and therefore this question had probably been puzzling him for quite some time. I consider myself a modern father and won’t try to shun negative stereotypes from my children’s eyes, but wasn’t sure how to reply to this one.

“Um, why do you ask Johnny?”

Johnny looked up at me with his big innocent eyes and said, “Is it when a man puts his thingy in a woman’s mouth?”

I looked back at him with stunned silence. Johnny had obviously heard some kind of sordid story, probably from older kids and it was up to me to sort things out.

“Well, no. Babies can’t be made like that.”

“So putting a thingy in a woman’s mouth has nothing to do with babies?” he enquired.

If I was going to tell him the truth, I guess I had to be honest. “Well it does sometimes play a roll in making a baby. Sometimes a daddy is tired and doesn’t feel like have special hugs with a mummy, so the mummy encourages a special hug by putting the daddy’s thingy in her mouth.”

“Special hugs?”

I realised that I had to start from the beginning.

“You see, Johnny. When a daddy has had a tough time at the office, he quite often goes to a pub for a few drinks, instead of going home to his fat bitch.”

“Do you mean mummy?”

“Yes I do, but she wasn’t a mummy, back then. She was a lazy, good for nothing bitch who watched soap operas all day and ate junk food.”

“Ewe! No wonder daddy needed some happy drinks.”

“Exactly, but after six or seven pints daddy knew that he had to head on home, but the problem with happy drinks is that it makes mummy look semi-decent, so when daddy got home he felt like having some fun with mummy.”

“What kind of fun? Did you want to play playstation?” Johnny’s eyes lit up, as he imagined mummy and daddy playing playstation against one another.

I chuckled a bit. “Well it’s a special type of playstation with a joystick, but the problem was that when daddy got home, aunty Gloria was visiting mummy which made daddy sad, because he wanted to play playstation with mummy.”

“Why does aunty Gloria shake so much daddy?”

“Well that’s because she’s a crack-whore Johnny.”

“What’s that?”

“It’s when a woman will sell her soul for a few lines of powder, which gave daddy an idea. He quickly phoned his friend, uncle Smith, and asked uncle Smith to bring some powder around. Do you remember uncle Smith?”

“Yes. He likes it when I sit on his lap.”

“Yes he does.” I laughed to myself. “So while uncle Smith was on his way over I suggested to mummy and aunty Gloria that they take turns putting daddy’s thingy in their mouths and in return daddy will give aunty Gloria the powder that uncle Smith was bringing over.”

“And is that how mummy had a baby?”

“Well not quite. You see daddy’s happy drinks had made it difficult for daddy to enjoy the fun with mummy and aunty Gloria properly. So daddy had to go take a blue pill, while mummy and aunty Gloria drank from the furry cups.”

“Did mummy not do the washing?”

“Probably, but that was aunty Gloria’s problem at the time. So while the ladies were busy eating fish pie, uncle Smith arrived with the powder and asked if he could join in the fun, thereby not charging daddy anything for the powder. It made good business sense, so daddy allowed uncle Smith to join the fun.”

“Uncle Smith has a very big thingy”, Johnny said behind scared little eyes.

“Yes he does,” I agreed, “but mummy assures me that size doesn’t matter.”

Johnny rolled his eyes.

“By this time, the blue pill was starting to work”, I continued, “and thrust my lovestick into mummy’s mouth, while shoving two fingers into aunty Gloria’s bum.”

“That always hurts” Johnny said.

“Well if aunty Gloria screamed, it was muffled on uncle Smith’s lovebranch. By this time the blue pill was working too well and I pulled my lovestick out of mummy’s mouth and sprayed my love fountain all over mummy’s and aunty Gloria’s faces while uncle Smith held aunty Gloria’s head in place by grabbing the back of her hair.”

“Bitches love that, don’t they daddy?”

“They sure do Johnny.”

“So is that when mummy got the baby?”

“Well not quite, you see because mummy got a whole lot of love fountain spray in her eye, she wiped it away with her fingers and with those same fingers she selfishly tried to have some fun of her own, by playing with her crab cave.”

“Why didn’t daddy stop her?”

“Well daddy was quite sleepy by this stage and after letting aunty Gloria and uncle Smith out, he collapsed into a deep sleep.”

“So mummy got a baby by playing with daddy’s love fountain spray in her crab cave?”

“Yep. That’s about it, now stop asking all these questions and get back to sucking daddy off so that daddy can go to sleep.”