Sleeping for love

Dear Susan

I write this letter to you with teary eyes and a heavy heart.

We’ve been seeing each other for about three months now and although I think we had something very special at first, I feel that our relationship has been quite stagnant of late.

I’m not the type of guy to point the finger of blame at who was in the wrong, as it doesn’t help us in going through the list of why I made an effort and you didn’t.

I guess all relationships go through tough times, but if both partners are willing to work at it, they get over these difficulties and emerge on the other side stronger because of it, however our relationship just continues to sink into a never ending sea of despair.

I remember the day when we first met. How was I to know that working as a janitor, during the night shift at the hospital, would lead to love? Earlier that day you had been in a horrific car accident and as you lay there, so helpless in I.C.U., my heart went out to you. Over the next couple of weeks as you lay in I.C.U. recovering, I always made sure to check up on your condition and by the third week, after your condition was considered stable, you were given your own room in the “coma wing”, as it’s become known by the staff.

Having your own room meant that we were able to get to know each other more intimately and I remember how your heart monitor raced when I first suggested that we explore one another sexually. It’s as though you could really hear me and you were excited by the prospect.

Do you remember the first night your naughty hand slipped into my pants to feel my privates? And then the night you gave me my first blowjob? You looked so sexy as I crouched over your face, trying to concentrate on opening your mouth and also listening to see if anybody was approaching in the corridor. We felt like naughty teenagers, alive with the discovery of one another’s bodies.

And then the night that we became one, was one of the most memorable nights of my life. We had discussed it at length (well I discussed it while you listened), and in the end we decided that it would make our relationship stronger, so the next evening I snuck some champagne and flowers into your room, in order to set the mood. Little did I know at the time that the champagne I poured into your I.V. that night nearly killed you the next morning, but I guess all romances have to overcome great difficulty.

All the other girls I’ve dated have always been so negative. Many of them kept insisting I was some kind of weird stalker and they kept calling the police about me. It’s as though they didn’t really want to be with me, but you were different. The thing I really I liked about us was that you never complained. You never stopped me from living every sexual fantasy I could come up with and you were always there to listen to what I had to say, at the end of the day.

But now those early romantic days seem so far away. Lately it seems that you’re just going through the motions. Last night when we made sweet love, you just seemed to lie there. You seemed so distant. Your heart monitor hardly ever increases in rate lately and now when I tell you about my day, you seem to be not really listening. In fact it seems like you’re in a world of your own. I just wished you made more of an effort.

Well if that’s how you want to be. Fine! I can take it. I won’t pretend that it doesn’t hurt, but I guess I have to be grown-up about it and move on with my life.

And if you’re thinking that this has something to do with the new cute blonde girl who was wheeled into the coma wing last night, you’re wrong. I don’t like her like that. Yes she’s good looking and has firm breasts and a tongue ring, but what we had was something special.

Anyway, I guess this is good-bye and good luck. I hope you come out of your coma soon and you’re able to get over losing the love of your life.

Yours faithfully
Muppet