How to pick up chicks - lesson 4

How to recognize a lesbian.

The supreme hunter is a ruthless killer. Once he has zeroed in on his prey, she will be helpless to escape his charm and powerful aftershave, but even some of the top hunters can be lured in by false bait. This bait usually comes in the form of a lesbian.

Over the years, Hollywood has presented the image of lesbians as beautiful young women who parade around in tiny bikinis who snog other young beautiful lesbians in order to excite men that might be watching. Hollywood doesn’t represent lesbians as women who come in all ages, shapes and sizes and are simply attracted to women rather than men. They don’t represent this version of lesbians, because they don’t exist.

But until the bikini clad young nymph grows out of her “women know where my clit is” stage (usually age 26 when she starts getting ugly, as gravity takes hold), the hunter will struggle to turn a lesbian towards his will.

So how does one recognize a lesbian, in order to save one’s money on cologne and tear-away leopard skin G-strings?

Owing to my many hunting experiences, I am able to share with you certain situations whereby one can recognize a lesbian.

One:
Your mother, who seems to think that you struggle with the laydees, has set you up on a blind date. The young lady you’re picking up is described as very shy and needs to be treated delicately. You take note and stuff your wallet with lubricated condoms. You ring her doorbell and she opens it to find you naked except for a lubricated condom and a paper bag in your hand, as you don’t know how ugly she is yet. She screams and slams the door in your face. Lesbian.

Two:
Your best friend has a business conference out of town for the weekend, so you invite yourself over to his place to “entertain” his wife during his absence. She acts a bit surprised to see you there, but tries to be polite. She invites you in and even opens the 59p bottle of wine you brought over to show her how much she means to you. Things seem to be going well until she comes back from the kitchen to find you naked on her coffee table. She throws you out. Lesbian.

Three:
You’re at your weekly diet supporters group meeting, with your box of chocolates and McDonalds vouchers, to help cheer the fat bitches up, when the rest of the group isn’t looking. You’ve been concentrating on one particular young lady by being supportive by telling her lies like “Fat people have feelings too” and “I wouldn’t mind my friends seeing me in public with you”. It all seems to be going well as she tucks into her third Big Mac, which you treat her to after the group ends for the evening. You have the box of fries she wanted resting on a specific area of your anatomy and when she reaches for it, she finds something else besides fries. She appears to be disgusted and is surprisingly fast for a chubby porker and breaks your nose with a powerful left hook. Lesbian.

Four:
You volunteer on weekends at the local charity, which helps people with physical disabilities because you want to give something back (nudge, nudge, wink, wink). You’re assigned to help a group of wheelchair bound freaks, whereby you must run errands for them on the weekend, as they’re obviously too lazy to do it themselves. One of the better looking R2D2s gives you a short shopping list of medical supplies she needs. You take her money and instead of buying her “medicine to help her through the week” you return to her with four porn DVDs and a bottle of KY jelly. You are unaware that her electric wheelchair has a stun-gun option. Lesbian.