Making the first move
As was previously stated, the hunt is always on, whether it’s at work, waiting for the your train or doing some grocery shopping. Always be ready.
There are however certain “hotspots” that make the hunt easier and there are certain times when it’s inappropriate to be hunting.
I will list a few situations in order for you to guess which situation is a good time to be hunting and when to be resting. Your answers will give you a good indication on how well you’ve been doing in your studies.
When should you be hunting?
- Job interview
- Funeral
- Visiting your gran in hospital
- Contesting a restraining order in court
- While having sexual intercourse with your girlfriend/wife
The correct answer to the above question is, all of them except for number four, “Contesting a restraining order in court”. This is one of the few occasions when you have to try and restrain the animal that is your sexual predatory skills.
Even a hot female judge will not find it favourable for you to wink at her and rub your crotch while some misguided young lady accuses you of trying to sneak doughnuts into “fat camp” for her, in exchange for sexual favours… for example.
The other four options are great hotspots for picking up chicks.
The job interview is an obvious choice, as one isn’t trying to sell one’s education or working skills to the prospective employer, but instead selling one’s penis to a prospective mouth. I’m not suggesting that you whip it out during the interview (unless it’s going REALLY well), but instead treat the interview as though it’s a singles bar. A job interview’s can be a nerve-wracking experience and a few drinks before and during the interview won’t hurt anybody. I’ve literally been to hundreds of interviews and I’ve never left an interview sober.
Some eyebrows might be raised at the thought that a funeral is considered a hotspot for hunting, but funerals are actually the new “speed dating” of the new millennium. There’s a lot of emotion that goes on at funerals and many women sometimes need a lap to cry on. A woman’s weeping eyes can also make you look more attractive than you really are. Many men are able get women into bed after the women have just come out of relationships. They are emotionally fragile and susceptible to a sympathetic “ear”. Well a dead husband is the ultimate end of a relationship. How can one miss?
Count your lucky stars if you’ve just found out that your gran has been hospitalised because you’re practically eighty percent of the way into getting some action. Make sure to buy a box of condoms for yourself while getting a box of chocolates for your poor diabetic gran who’s knocking on death’s door, because the hospital is designed for sex! Sympathetic nurses and patients wearing paper towels while heavily medicated makes for easy pickings. Always remember to swing round the maternity ward while visiting, because you KNOW those bitches put out!
Finally another good time to be hunting is while having sex. As most of you probably know, women usually sleep during sex, which is the prefect time to make some phone calls to prospective prey. Your prey will be most impressed that you happen to be thinking of them while you are having intimate relations with your girlfriend/wife/prostitute and will look on you favourably from that moment on.
Sunday 30 December 2007
Thursday 13 December 2007
How to pick up chicks - lesson 2
To hunt, one needs to understand how one’s prey thinks.
The female mind is a complex, illogical, unnatural phenomenon. Many men will tell you that women only live to serve men. They think that women are here to cook, clean and make babies for men. This is all true.
If one happens to go out on the town and you see a group of women drinking together in a pub, one might be inclined to think that they’re just out having a bit of fun. This is not true. They are in fact stalking men. The hunter has become the hunted.
The difference between the male hunter and the female hunter is that the male hunter is trying to put his thingy in her mouth, but the female hunter is trying to trap the male into a “relationship” so that she can serve him and make babies.
The relationship is the male hunter’s kryptonite. Once he has been snared by a relationship he will no longer be able to put his thingy in another females’ mouths. Unless he does it behind the female hunter’s back.
So how does one avoid a relationship? Three words. Act dumb!
The female hunter, although desperate to serve men, can be quite fickle at times. She believes in something call “standards”. I’ve done some research into this “standards” word and it apparently has something to do with avoiding dead-beat low-life scum, unless he drives a nice car.
So now you’re ready to make your first move on your prey. You showered four days ago. You’re wearing cologne that can also be used as a weed killer. You’ve stuffed your trousers with rolled up socks and you’re aware that the female species might be hunting you.
Oh yeah it's ladies night! *
* By "ladies night", I refer to the fact that it's not really their night, but they do feature in the evening's entertainment and therefore they should be pleased that even though they're playing a bit part, they should appreciate that a well known song has been dedicated to their pathetic lives.
The female mind is a complex, illogical, unnatural phenomenon. Many men will tell you that women only live to serve men. They think that women are here to cook, clean and make babies for men. This is all true.
If one happens to go out on the town and you see a group of women drinking together in a pub, one might be inclined to think that they’re just out having a bit of fun. This is not true. They are in fact stalking men. The hunter has become the hunted.
The difference between the male hunter and the female hunter is that the male hunter is trying to put his thingy in her mouth, but the female hunter is trying to trap the male into a “relationship” so that she can serve him and make babies.
The relationship is the male hunter’s kryptonite. Once he has been snared by a relationship he will no longer be able to put his thingy in another females’ mouths. Unless he does it behind the female hunter’s back.
So how does one avoid a relationship? Three words. Act dumb!
The female hunter, although desperate to serve men, can be quite fickle at times. She believes in something call “standards”. I’ve done some research into this “standards” word and it apparently has something to do with avoiding dead-beat low-life scum, unless he drives a nice car.
So now you’re ready to make your first move on your prey. You showered four days ago. You’re wearing cologne that can also be used as a weed killer. You’ve stuffed your trousers with rolled up socks and you’re aware that the female species might be hunting you.
Oh yeah it's ladies night! *
* By "ladies night", I refer to the fact that it's not really their night, but they do feature in the evening's entertainment and therefore they should be pleased that even though they're playing a bit part, they should appreciate that a well known song has been dedicated to their pathetic lives.
Thursday 6 December 2007
How to pick up chicks - lesson 1
Lesson 1:
Owing to my impressive record with the opposite sex (and occasionally “other”), I am willing to give you guys some tips on how to attract women (mostly).
I prefer to see the art of attracting the opposite sex as a “hunt”. Remember that men are hunters, but women are gathers (mostly fat). It is also important to note that not all women are gathers. Many of them are lesbians. Try to avoid these types. They can be identified by my blood stains on their fists and clothes.
The first rule to understand is that the hunt is ALWAYS on. Many men will try target specific times of the week (Friday or Saturday night) or month end as a good time to go “hunting”. I spit in the face of this theory. <>
The first step in being successful with women with a sense of smell (nearly 87% amazingly enough), is hygiene. Try to have a bath or shower at least once a week. A good way of knowing when it’s time to have a shower is when you’ve stopped sweating on a hot day and your armpits make a screaming sound while you’re walking.
A man’s cologne is his defining signature with the laydees. Many people will tell you that you should buy one of those expensive, marketed, glass-bottled, doesn’t burn your skin type colognes, but I laugh in the face of those people that spend more than one pound on their gallon of cologne. My cologne brings tears of joy to the ladies… well, tears at least (it could be joy).
The second step to attract women is fashion. Women will judge a man by his sense of style. It’s important to catch her eye with your style. Pink platform boots, orange bell-bottom trousers and an open V-neck denim shirt is a sure way of catching your lady friend’s eye.
When getting ready in the morning it is also important to make sure you dress modestly when it comes to selling your package. I prefer to use only one pair of rolled up socks stuffed down the left side of my trousers on Mondays, Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays. On Wednesday I stuff it down the right side to keep them guessing. On Friday I use two pairs. One stuffed down each side to keep them wondering. Sundays is God’s day, so I go natural (organic socks).
Owing to my impressive record with the opposite sex (and occasionally “other”), I am willing to give you guys some tips on how to attract women (mostly).
I prefer to see the art of attracting the opposite sex as a “hunt”. Remember that men are hunters, but women are gathers (mostly fat). It is also important to note that not all women are gathers. Many of them are lesbians. Try to avoid these types. They can be identified by my blood stains on their fists and clothes.
The first rule to understand is that the hunt is ALWAYS on. Many men will try target specific times of the week (Friday or Saturday night) or month end as a good time to go “hunting”. I spit in the face of this theory. <
The first step in being successful with women with a sense of smell (nearly 87% amazingly enough), is hygiene. Try to have a bath or shower at least once a week. A good way of knowing when it’s time to have a shower is when you’ve stopped sweating on a hot day and your armpits make a screaming sound while you’re walking.
A man’s cologne is his defining signature with the laydees. Many people will tell you that you should buy one of those expensive, marketed, glass-bottled, doesn’t burn your skin type colognes, but I laugh in the face of those people that spend more than one pound on their gallon of cologne. My cologne brings tears of joy to the ladies… well, tears at least (it could be joy).
The second step to attract women is fashion. Women will judge a man by his sense of style. It’s important to catch her eye with your style. Pink platform boots, orange bell-bottom trousers and an open V-neck denim shirt is a sure way of catching your lady friend’s eye.
When getting ready in the morning it is also important to make sure you dress modestly when it comes to selling your package. I prefer to use only one pair of rolled up socks stuffed down the left side of my trousers on Mondays, Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays. On Wednesday I stuff it down the right side to keep them guessing. On Friday I use two pairs. One stuffed down each side to keep them wondering. Sundays is God’s day, so I go natural (organic socks).
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