My brain is a dick

I've recently discovered that my brain is a dick. Not literally. In other words, if my brain was another person, I would think that person was a dick.

The tricky part about writing this blog is that I have to do it while my brain is not working, because I can't let it know that I'm on to it. Some people may claim that the brain is always working, but I know for a fact that my brain sometimes likes to take a break, like the time my boss's wife came to our office and was introduced to all the staff. While being introduced to other staff members I noticed that she had a low-cut top on and was showing ample cleavage. Now if my brain was switched on, and when the introductions reached me, I would have shook her hand politely and said "Nice to meet you" instead of what really happened. So I know that my brain sometimes just switches off. Fact!

And now that I've discovered that my brain has been out to ruin my life, I've attempted to remember how long this has been going on for. Thinking back is tricky because memories can be distorted by an evil brain. Some things might not be real like the time I saved the universe from aliens or the time I worked as an accountant for fifteen years.

I initially thought that my brain turned on me in my early twenties, when I used to drink a lot and therefore killed a lot of brain cells. I can see how my brain may have thought that this was an attack on it and therefore had to defend itself by slowly fucking with my life. There was one specific day when I know that my brain had it in for me. I was writing an important university exam but my brain refused to tell me the answers because I went out drinking the night before. What a dick.

But I don't think the battle started due to drinking, because even at  school I was not considered "academic", whatever that means. Their our also times when I'm not good at grammer and spelling. This is my brain's fault.

So when did my brain become a dick? I believe the answer lies in my dreams. Dreams are things the brain thinks about when I'm not there and my brain is clearly a male chauvinistic pig. It constantly thinks of women and sex objects and doesn't care about their feelings or emotions, like I do.

Quite often my brain will dream about celebrities such as Jennifer Aniston from her Friends years and Halle Berry from Swordfish, getting naked and kissing each other. I'm not even involved. I just watch. So even in my dreams my brain won't let me get laid. What a dick.

If my brain wanted to be helpful, it would let me dream about more realistic chances of sexual opportunities, like suggesting possible pick-up lines for fat Suzie with the wonky eye from reception, instead of just bursting into hot Justine's office from marketing and watching her lez-up with busty Rachel from HR, while I watch.

When it attempts to be a bit more realistic and dreams about realistic people, like my lovely wife, it dreams of things that my wife would never consent to and even if she did consent to my brain's suggestion, I wouldn't know where to get a leprechaun and ewok costume for adults.

So now I've established that my brain is a dick, I'd now like explain how I discovered its hatred for me.

A few nights ago, I was fighting man-flu, which included having a fever. I was fast asleep and left in the care of my brain's dream world. In my dream I was watching a couple of emotionless models touch each others boobs, when all of a sudden, a massive spider started climbing across my back. I am not a big fan of spiders and this therefore made me wake up. I lay there for a few seconds, when all of a sudden, I felt the tickling on my back again. It wasn't a spider but some sweat from my fever running down my back.

It's not a nice feeling, but my brain had a million different options available to it, instead of making me think that there was a massive spider running across my back. Why not rather make the lesbian models kiss my back, or maybe run a tickly feather on my back. How about a little kitten playfully rolling on my back, or just simply some water running down my back. No! My fucking brain decided to make a huge spider run across my back! What a dick!

Super mature

"If you were a super-hero, which one would you be?" This was a common question for children who enjoyed living in alternate realities.

When I was a kid I imagined being Superman. Any blanket or sheet could easily be turned into a cape and I would run around make "Woosh... woosh... woosh" noises, while imagining that I was flying at high speed.

As I grew older and I realised that Superman was for little kids and flight for humans was not possible without machinery. I therefore imagined that I was The Flash. I could run at supersonic speed from place to place. I didn't even need a cape!

But over time I started playing less and less super-hero games. Time took away my childhood innocense and gave me a mortgage, a wife, a child and responsibilities.

So now when I'm asked, "If you were a super-hero, which one would you be" I guess I would say that I'm Superdad. I like to lift my daughter up and swing her around. Her face lights up and she laughs out loud. I don't know if I had so much fun when I was a kid pretending to be Superman, but seeing her and listening to her...

Wait! I've changed my mind. I'd think I'm more like Batman! He doesn't have super powers but he's a martial arts expert and he got cool gadgets and I look cool in black!

Joining an exclusive club

I'm on an overnight flight and at about thirty thousand feet above sea level. It's about 3am and almost all the passengers have their seats back and are trying to get some sleep. There are a few stragglers walking the aisles but otherwise it's relatively quiet. I can see that both toilets closest to me are currently available. There won't be a better opportunity than right now!

She gives me a knowing look and I know that it's go time. I stand up as though I'm doing a stretch and saunter off towards the toilet. She comes along with me. A quick look in both directions to see that nobody's approaching and we both quickly slip into the toilet, locking the door behind us.

Once inside we're not sure if there's enough space, but we're going to give it a go anyway. I start by stripping off her clothes. Within a minute she's completely naked in front of me. I wipe bits of shit off her bum. She kicks out, bits of shit splatter my clothes. She gets hold of her dirty nappy and pulls it onto her face. I take it off her while trying to wipe poo off my clothes. I manage to stuff the dirty nappy into a nappy bag. She pisses all over her clothes and my shirt. I think about flushing her.

Fifteen minutes later we return to our seats. She's wearing a new outfit and looks tidy. I'm covered in piss and shit. I'm exhausted. My wife wakes up looks over at me and says, "You stink". She goes back to sleep. My daughter has also gone back to sleep.

I turn to my side, hoping to get a few minutes sleep. Opposite me a very attractive young lady is looking at me and smiling. I smile back. She seductively lifts her finger to her lips.  I check that my wife is still asleep. I seductively lift my finger to my lips and touch something squishy. I have shit on my lower lip and have now managed to push it into my mouth. The attractive young lady looks like she's going to be sick. I decide that I will stop seducing her and try and go back to sleep.