Until recently, I haven't given to charities. I've never helped a charity. I've never promoted a charity. I was under the impression that most charities were run by selfish people who don't care about others.
And I was right.
But I'm open minded enough to realise that if I did "do my bit", as they call it, I might be able to make some money for myself.
It's difficult to ignore the charity collections going on around us every day. At every London train station, you see these entrepreneurs collecting for all kinds of things. There are old people collecting for children. There are young people collecting for the aged. There are even wheelchair people collecting for "the disabled", which I think is a term relating the Welsh.
But I've stood behind my principles as these people approached me, asking for my money, and I've never been afraid to punch the old or wheelchair bound and told the younger collectors that I'm not interested.
There are however stupid people out there who give these people their money, despite them not getting anything in return. This got me thinking. Why are people so stupid. I forgot what the answer was that I came to because I walked into a wall while staring at tits.
Anyway, I decided to start collecting for a charity. The only question was, which charity should I collect for?
After doing some research, it appears that I'm not the first person to think of this. There are more that 150,000 charities in the UK. I would obviously need a target market. The following were already taken:
- Cancer
- Aids
- Heart
- Physically challenged
- Mentally challenged
- Deaf
- Blind
- Cats & dogs
- Goat deliveries
The list goes on and on, so I had to find something that they missed. I composed a short list of possibilities:
- The dead
- Ugly chicks
- People with stupid faces
- Fat chicks
- Animals that are annoying
- Lesbians
- Celebrities who need to be cocked
These were all great, but I needed something that most people could identify with. Something that makes people stop, take notice and want to depart with their money. It also had to be simple. That was when I realised who I would collect for.
I took out my charity bucket and wrote, in large capital letters on it's side, "RETARDS", and headed out to a central London tube station.
Now you probably won't believe me, but there are many rude people out there, who don't want to help retards. Most people just stared at me, probably thinking about my selflessness. Unfortunately after 30 minutes of stares, nobody gave me their money. I changed my tactics and started shouting, "Save the Tards!", at people walking by.
A few people stopped and asked me what tards were and I gave some great impressions in order to get my point across, but they still didn't give me money.
The problem is that people are selfish. People don't care about retards. Tomorrow I'll try my new charity. "CUNTS." Everybody like cunts.
Thursday 30 July 2009
Tuesday 28 July 2009
The gift of giving love
Girlfriend: Guess what.
Handsome Muppet: What?
Gf: Guess!
HM: You're fat.
Gf: No silly.
HM: You've found out I'm cheating on you?
Gf: What?
HM: Nothing.
Gf: Guess what I've got you.
HM: It better start with "D" and end with "inner".
Gf: No silly. It's a present.
HM: Dinner can be a present.
Gf: It's a goat!
HM: What?
Gf: I've got you a goat.
HM: Oh... Thanks. How did you know I like goats?
Gf: It's for an African family.
HM: What?
Gf: I've bought a goat from Oxfam, in your name and they're going to deliver it to Africa.
HM: Couldn't you find a better delivery company. I live in the UK.
Gf: No silly, the goat is suppose to go to Africa.
HM: But you said you bought ME a goat.
Gf: Yes the goat is in your name.
HM: So the goat is legally mine?
Gf: Well technically speaking, I suppose so.
HM: So I can choose to not send my goat to Africa?
Gf: That's not how it works.
HM: Oh I'm sorry. When did receiving presents mean I don't get anything.
Gf: You get the gift of knowing that you're helping people less fortunate than yourself.
HM: So you bought me bullshit as a present?
Gf: Sorry?
HM: You walk in here, without my dinner, then tell me that you've got me a goat, then tell me that I will never be able to fuck this goat.
Gf: What?
HM: Well it doesn't seem like a present to me.
Gf: Did you say "fuck the goat"?
HM: Maybe next time, instead of saying that you bought me a gift, you could just say that you're full of shit and you enjoy wasting my time.
Gf: But you're helping people less fortunate than yourself!
HM: Am I really? Do you have their bank statement? Let's see how bad they're suffering.
Gf: They don't have bank statements. They don't have clean water. They don't even have a house to sleep in.
HM: Ah. So what you're saying is that you've sent MY goat to some layabout bums.
Gf: They're not bums, they live in terrible conditions.
HM: It's so awful, yet they're still able to fuck goats.
Gf: What?
HM: Let's face it, the goat isn't probably too happy to be sent there. Why doesn't the goat get a say in the matter.
Gf: But the goat provides food to the family.
HM: What? They're going to eat my goat?
Gf: Well, they might be starving.
HM: Wouldn't it be easier to send them some burgers?
Gf: But it's not just the meat they need. They use the milk too.
HM: Oh it's like that is it. They want posh goat cheese.
Gf: No, they just want the milk to drink.
HM: This seems like an elaborate way of topping off their tea.
Gf: And they can use the goat's skin and hair to make clothes.
HM: They won't be getting much milk from a skinless goat.
Gf: And they'll want to breed the goats.
HM: That's all I wanted to do with it.
Gf: You're making a difference, by helping these people.
HM: These people who skin goats and then try to milk them. Why don't they just buy their own goats if they like goats so much?
Gf: They can't afford goats.
HM: They should talk to their union about a pay increase.
Gf: They don't have jobs.
HM: What?
Gf: They're simple people.
HM: They're retarded?
Gf: No. I mean they don't have any jobs available.
HM: So that makes them retarded?
Gf: I mean that the whole community is suffering because of the extreme poverty.
HM: My mate Dave doesn't have a job, but I'm not delivering goats to his home.
Gf: Dave has clean water and a bed to sleep on.
HM: How come you know so much about Dave's bed?
Gf: Shit! Bust. I'm sorry.
HM: Why does this always happen to me?
Handsome Muppet: What?
Gf: Guess!
HM: You're fat.
Gf: No silly.
HM: You've found out I'm cheating on you?
Gf: What?
HM: Nothing.
Gf: Guess what I've got you.
HM: It better start with "D" and end with "inner".
Gf: No silly. It's a present.
HM: Dinner can be a present.
Gf: It's a goat!
HM: What?
Gf: I've got you a goat.
HM: Oh... Thanks. How did you know I like goats?
Gf: It's for an African family.
HM: What?
Gf: I've bought a goat from Oxfam, in your name and they're going to deliver it to Africa.
HM: Couldn't you find a better delivery company. I live in the UK.
Gf: No silly, the goat is suppose to go to Africa.
HM: But you said you bought ME a goat.
Gf: Yes the goat is in your name.
HM: So the goat is legally mine?
Gf: Well technically speaking, I suppose so.
HM: So I can choose to not send my goat to Africa?
Gf: That's not how it works.
HM: Oh I'm sorry. When did receiving presents mean I don't get anything.
Gf: You get the gift of knowing that you're helping people less fortunate than yourself.
HM: So you bought me bullshit as a present?
Gf: Sorry?
HM: You walk in here, without my dinner, then tell me that you've got me a goat, then tell me that I will never be able to fuck this goat.
Gf: What?
HM: Well it doesn't seem like a present to me.
Gf: Did you say "fuck the goat"?
HM: Maybe next time, instead of saying that you bought me a gift, you could just say that you're full of shit and you enjoy wasting my time.
Gf: But you're helping people less fortunate than yourself!
HM: Am I really? Do you have their bank statement? Let's see how bad they're suffering.
Gf: They don't have bank statements. They don't have clean water. They don't even have a house to sleep in.
HM: Ah. So what you're saying is that you've sent MY goat to some layabout bums.
Gf: They're not bums, they live in terrible conditions.
HM: It's so awful, yet they're still able to fuck goats.
Gf: What?
HM: Let's face it, the goat isn't probably too happy to be sent there. Why doesn't the goat get a say in the matter.
Gf: But the goat provides food to the family.
HM: What? They're going to eat my goat?
Gf: Well, they might be starving.
HM: Wouldn't it be easier to send them some burgers?
Gf: But it's not just the meat they need. They use the milk too.
HM: Oh it's like that is it. They want posh goat cheese.
Gf: No, they just want the milk to drink.
HM: This seems like an elaborate way of topping off their tea.
Gf: And they can use the goat's skin and hair to make clothes.
HM: They won't be getting much milk from a skinless goat.
Gf: And they'll want to breed the goats.
HM: That's all I wanted to do with it.
Gf: You're making a difference, by helping these people.
HM: These people who skin goats and then try to milk them. Why don't they just buy their own goats if they like goats so much?
Gf: They can't afford goats.
HM: They should talk to their union about a pay increase.
Gf: They don't have jobs.
HM: What?
Gf: They're simple people.
HM: They're retarded?
Gf: No. I mean they don't have any jobs available.
HM: So that makes them retarded?
Gf: I mean that the whole community is suffering because of the extreme poverty.
HM: My mate Dave doesn't have a job, but I'm not delivering goats to his home.
Gf: Dave has clean water and a bed to sleep on.
HM: How come you know so much about Dave's bed?
Gf: Shit! Bust. I'm sorry.
HM: Why does this always happen to me?
Friday 17 July 2009
Dirty old ladies
One day, while googling "old ladies, swallowing and horses", I came across this nursery rhyme. I doubt if you've ever heard it, as it's horrific!
Fair enough. This could happen. An old lady is having a nap. Her mouth is open. A fly flies into her mouth. She wakes up gagging on the fly and swallows it. Nothing weird there, except for the threat of death, which seems a bit weird as it was just a fly.
Okay. Starting to get weird. Old lady realises that she's swallowed a fly and instead of possibly having a drink of water, she opts to swallow a spider, which she happens to have handy.
It's true that spiders eat flies, but this seems to be an extreme reaction.
And why is the spider wiggling and tickling her. Surely stomach acids would kill the spider quite quickly. Was the spider inserted in the mouth?
Is it absurd to eat chicken? No, not really. How about if you swallowed a live bird in order to eat a spider that you "swallowed" earlier. Not really absurd, more psychotic.
Of course the use of the word "bird" could be used as slang for her lady friend.
Staying with the lady friend theme, she's now obviously eating pussy.
Do parents explain this to the kids, when reading the nursery rhyme to them?
OK, so apparently the lady friend isn't much of a looker, but this seems a bit harsh.
Not only is her lady friend fucking ugly, she also obese.
But let's go back a few steps and imagine that we're trying to take this literally again. Spiders eat flies. Birds eat spiders. Cats eat birds. Dogs do NOT eat cats, but might well kill them. But I have never heard of a cow chasing a dog, let alone eating it. Mad cow disease possibly, but she shouldn't be eating that!
So now she's either sucking off a horse, or she believes that horses eat cows.
If we look at the translation, so far, we have an old lady, who pulled down somebody's fly, shoved a spider up her arse, ate her ugly, fat friend's pussy and then sucked off a horse.
Could this rhyme get any more twisted?
WHAT?
There was an old lady who swallowed a fly
I don't know why she swallowed a fly - perhaps she'll die!
Fair enough. This could happen. An old lady is having a nap. Her mouth is open. A fly flies into her mouth. She wakes up gagging on the fly and swallows it. Nothing weird there, except for the threat of death, which seems a bit weird as it was just a fly.
There was an old lady who swallowed a spider,
That wriggled and wiggled and tiggled inside her;
She swallowed the spider to catch the fly;
I don't know why she swallowed a fly - Perhaps she'll die!
Okay. Starting to get weird. Old lady realises that she's swallowed a fly and instead of possibly having a drink of water, she opts to swallow a spider, which she happens to have handy.
It's true that spiders eat flies, but this seems to be an extreme reaction.
And why is the spider wiggling and tickling her. Surely stomach acids would kill the spider quite quickly. Was the spider inserted in the mouth?
There was an old lady who swallowed a bird;
How absurd to swallow a bird.
She swallowed the bird to catch the spider,
Is it absurd to eat chicken? No, not really. How about if you swallowed a live bird in order to eat a spider that you "swallowed" earlier. Not really absurd, more psychotic.
Of course the use of the word "bird" could be used as slang for her lady friend.
There was an old lady who swallowed a cat;
Fancy that to swallow a cat!
She swallowed the cat to catch the bird,
Staying with the lady friend theme, she's now obviously eating pussy.
Do parents explain this to the kids, when reading the nursery rhyme to them?
There was an old lady that swallowed a dog;
What a hog, to swallow a dog;
She swallowed the dog to catch the cat,
OK, so apparently the lady friend isn't much of a looker, but this seems a bit harsh.
There was an old lady who swallowed a cow,
I don't know how she swallowed a cow;
She swallowed the cow to catch the dog,
Not only is her lady friend fucking ugly, she also obese.
But let's go back a few steps and imagine that we're trying to take this literally again. Spiders eat flies. Birds eat spiders. Cats eat birds. Dogs do NOT eat cats, but might well kill them. But I have never heard of a cow chasing a dog, let alone eating it. Mad cow disease possibly, but she shouldn't be eating that!
There was an old lady who swallowed a horse...
So now she's either sucking off a horse, or she believes that horses eat cows.
If we look at the translation, so far, we have an old lady, who pulled down somebody's fly, shoved a spider up her arse, ate her ugly, fat friend's pussy and then sucked off a horse.
Could this rhyme get any more twisted?
She's dead, of course!
WHAT?
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