Making the first move
As was previously stated, the hunt is always on, whether it’s at work, waiting for the your train or doing some grocery shopping. Always be ready.
There are however certain “hotspots” that make the hunt easier and there are certain times when it’s inappropriate to be hunting.
I will list a few situations in order for you to guess which situation is a good time to be hunting and when to be resting. Your answers will give you a good indication on how well you’ve been doing in your studies.
When should you be hunting?
- Job interview
- Funeral
- Visiting your gran in hospital
- Contesting a restraining order in court
- While having sexual intercourse with your girlfriend/wife
The correct answer to the above question is, all of them except for number four, “Contesting a restraining order in court”. This is one of the few occasions when you have to try and restrain the animal that is your sexual predatory skills.
Even a hot female judge will not find it favourable for you to wink at her and rub your crotch while some misguided young lady accuses you of trying to sneak doughnuts into “fat camp” for her, in exchange for sexual favours… for example.
The other four options are great hotspots for picking up chicks.
The job interview is an obvious choice, as one isn’t trying to sell one’s education or working skills to the prospective employer, but instead selling one’s penis to a prospective mouth. I’m not suggesting that you whip it out during the interview (unless it’s going REALLY well), but instead treat the interview as though it’s a singles bar. A job interview’s can be a nerve-wracking experience and a few drinks before and during the interview won’t hurt anybody. I’ve literally been to hundreds of interviews and I’ve never left an interview sober.
Some eyebrows might be raised at the thought that a funeral is considered a hotspot for hunting, but funerals are actually the new “speed dating” of the new millennium. There’s a lot of emotion that goes on at funerals and many women sometimes need a lap to cry on. A woman’s weeping eyes can also make you look more attractive than you really are. Many men are able get women into bed after the women have just come out of relationships. They are emotionally fragile and susceptible to a sympathetic “ear”. Well a dead husband is the ultimate end of a relationship. How can one miss?
Count your lucky stars if you’ve just found out that your gran has been hospitalised because you’re practically eighty percent of the way into getting some action. Make sure to buy a box of condoms for yourself while getting a box of chocolates for your poor diabetic gran who’s knocking on death’s door, because the hospital is designed for sex! Sympathetic nurses and patients wearing paper towels while heavily medicated makes for easy pickings. Always remember to swing round the maternity ward while visiting, because you KNOW those bitches put out!
Finally another good time to be hunting is while having sex. As most of you probably know, women usually sleep during sex, which is the prefect time to make some phone calls to prospective prey. Your prey will be most impressed that you happen to be thinking of them while you are having intimate relations with your girlfriend/wife/prostitute and will look on you favourably from that moment on.
Sunday 30 December 2007
Thursday 13 December 2007
How to pick up chicks - lesson 2
To hunt, one needs to understand how one’s prey thinks.
The female mind is a complex, illogical, unnatural phenomenon. Many men will tell you that women only live to serve men. They think that women are here to cook, clean and make babies for men. This is all true.
If one happens to go out on the town and you see a group of women drinking together in a pub, one might be inclined to think that they’re just out having a bit of fun. This is not true. They are in fact stalking men. The hunter has become the hunted.
The difference between the male hunter and the female hunter is that the male hunter is trying to put his thingy in her mouth, but the female hunter is trying to trap the male into a “relationship” so that she can serve him and make babies.
The relationship is the male hunter’s kryptonite. Once he has been snared by a relationship he will no longer be able to put his thingy in another females’ mouths. Unless he does it behind the female hunter’s back.
So how does one avoid a relationship? Three words. Act dumb!
The female hunter, although desperate to serve men, can be quite fickle at times. She believes in something call “standards”. I’ve done some research into this “standards” word and it apparently has something to do with avoiding dead-beat low-life scum, unless he drives a nice car.
So now you’re ready to make your first move on your prey. You showered four days ago. You’re wearing cologne that can also be used as a weed killer. You’ve stuffed your trousers with rolled up socks and you’re aware that the female species might be hunting you.
Oh yeah it's ladies night! *
* By "ladies night", I refer to the fact that it's not really their night, but they do feature in the evening's entertainment and therefore they should be pleased that even though they're playing a bit part, they should appreciate that a well known song has been dedicated to their pathetic lives.
The female mind is a complex, illogical, unnatural phenomenon. Many men will tell you that women only live to serve men. They think that women are here to cook, clean and make babies for men. This is all true.
If one happens to go out on the town and you see a group of women drinking together in a pub, one might be inclined to think that they’re just out having a bit of fun. This is not true. They are in fact stalking men. The hunter has become the hunted.
The difference between the male hunter and the female hunter is that the male hunter is trying to put his thingy in her mouth, but the female hunter is trying to trap the male into a “relationship” so that she can serve him and make babies.
The relationship is the male hunter’s kryptonite. Once he has been snared by a relationship he will no longer be able to put his thingy in another females’ mouths. Unless he does it behind the female hunter’s back.
So how does one avoid a relationship? Three words. Act dumb!
The female hunter, although desperate to serve men, can be quite fickle at times. She believes in something call “standards”. I’ve done some research into this “standards” word and it apparently has something to do with avoiding dead-beat low-life scum, unless he drives a nice car.
So now you’re ready to make your first move on your prey. You showered four days ago. You’re wearing cologne that can also be used as a weed killer. You’ve stuffed your trousers with rolled up socks and you’re aware that the female species might be hunting you.
Oh yeah it's ladies night! *
* By "ladies night", I refer to the fact that it's not really their night, but they do feature in the evening's entertainment and therefore they should be pleased that even though they're playing a bit part, they should appreciate that a well known song has been dedicated to their pathetic lives.
Thursday 6 December 2007
How to pick up chicks - lesson 1
Lesson 1:
Owing to my impressive record with the opposite sex (and occasionally “other”), I am willing to give you guys some tips on how to attract women (mostly).
I prefer to see the art of attracting the opposite sex as a “hunt”. Remember that men are hunters, but women are gathers (mostly fat). It is also important to note that not all women are gathers. Many of them are lesbians. Try to avoid these types. They can be identified by my blood stains on their fists and clothes.
The first rule to understand is that the hunt is ALWAYS on. Many men will try target specific times of the week (Friday or Saturday night) or month end as a good time to go “hunting”. I spit in the face of this theory. <>
The first step in being successful with women with a sense of smell (nearly 87% amazingly enough), is hygiene. Try to have a bath or shower at least once a week. A good way of knowing when it’s time to have a shower is when you’ve stopped sweating on a hot day and your armpits make a screaming sound while you’re walking.
A man’s cologne is his defining signature with the laydees. Many people will tell you that you should buy one of those expensive, marketed, glass-bottled, doesn’t burn your skin type colognes, but I laugh in the face of those people that spend more than one pound on their gallon of cologne. My cologne brings tears of joy to the ladies… well, tears at least (it could be joy).
The second step to attract women is fashion. Women will judge a man by his sense of style. It’s important to catch her eye with your style. Pink platform boots, orange bell-bottom trousers and an open V-neck denim shirt is a sure way of catching your lady friend’s eye.
When getting ready in the morning it is also important to make sure you dress modestly when it comes to selling your package. I prefer to use only one pair of rolled up socks stuffed down the left side of my trousers on Mondays, Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays. On Wednesday I stuff it down the right side to keep them guessing. On Friday I use two pairs. One stuffed down each side to keep them wondering. Sundays is God’s day, so I go natural (organic socks).
Owing to my impressive record with the opposite sex (and occasionally “other”), I am willing to give you guys some tips on how to attract women (mostly).
I prefer to see the art of attracting the opposite sex as a “hunt”. Remember that men are hunters, but women are gathers (mostly fat). It is also important to note that not all women are gathers. Many of them are lesbians. Try to avoid these types. They can be identified by my blood stains on their fists and clothes.
The first rule to understand is that the hunt is ALWAYS on. Many men will try target specific times of the week (Friday or Saturday night) or month end as a good time to go “hunting”. I spit in the face of this theory. <
The first step in being successful with women with a sense of smell (nearly 87% amazingly enough), is hygiene. Try to have a bath or shower at least once a week. A good way of knowing when it’s time to have a shower is when you’ve stopped sweating on a hot day and your armpits make a screaming sound while you’re walking.
A man’s cologne is his defining signature with the laydees. Many people will tell you that you should buy one of those expensive, marketed, glass-bottled, doesn’t burn your skin type colognes, but I laugh in the face of those people that spend more than one pound on their gallon of cologne. My cologne brings tears of joy to the ladies… well, tears at least (it could be joy).
The second step to attract women is fashion. Women will judge a man by his sense of style. It’s important to catch her eye with your style. Pink platform boots, orange bell-bottom trousers and an open V-neck denim shirt is a sure way of catching your lady friend’s eye.
When getting ready in the morning it is also important to make sure you dress modestly when it comes to selling your package. I prefer to use only one pair of rolled up socks stuffed down the left side of my trousers on Mondays, Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays. On Wednesday I stuff it down the right side to keep them guessing. On Friday I use two pairs. One stuffed down each side to keep them wondering. Sundays is God’s day, so I go natural (organic socks).
Monday 26 November 2007
My gift
Everybody has a gift. Everybody can do something a little bit better than everyone else. I have finally figured out what makes me special.
I'm good at being modest.
In fact the term "good" isn't good enough to describe how incredibly modest I am.
I'm probably the most modest person in the world.
It's difficult to imagine anybody else being as modest as I am.
I'm like the God of modesty.
I'm good at being modest.
In fact the term "good" isn't good enough to describe how incredibly modest I am.
I'm probably the most modest person in the world.
It's difficult to imagine anybody else being as modest as I am.
I'm like the God of modesty.
Tuesday 13 November 2007
Muppet - God of love
Women were attracted to this man, who wasn't afraid to test the conventional standards of fashion. They were drawn to him like a moth to a flame, not knowing that they would get burnt, not caring if they got burnt. They just wanted to be close to this gorgeous, hunk of a man.
It's not possible to describe just how good looking he really is, as the internet would orgasm and have to go to sleep, just for a few minutes, soon after hearing about his handsomeness.
He stood briefly by the door, a light wind followed him making his muscular muscles flap elegantly, like a butterfly dancing on a bowl of jelly.
A beautiful woman by the bar, turned to look at him. As her eyes met his penetrating gaze, like lazer-beam aimed at her heart, except it was her eyes he was gazing at, which is about a foot above her heart, therefore not her heart, even though she was showing quite a lot of cleavage, which is close to her heart, he still opted not to stare at her heart or cleavage.
Her heart, which is very close to her cleavage, increased in beat like a drum being played by a retarded child, but not the kind of child who loses interest in the drums after only a few minutes, but continues banging away at them for hours on end, even though he lacks much rhythm because, let's face it, he's a retard.
He sauntered casually over to her...
It's not possible to describe just how good looking he really is, as the internet would orgasm and have to go to sleep, just for a few minutes, soon after hearing about his handsomeness.
He stood briefly by the door, a light wind followed him making his muscular muscles flap elegantly, like a butterfly dancing on a bowl of jelly.
A beautiful woman by the bar, turned to look at him. As her eyes met his penetrating gaze, like lazer-beam aimed at her heart, except it was her eyes he was gazing at, which is about a foot above her heart, therefore not her heart, even though she was showing quite a lot of cleavage, which is close to her heart, he still opted not to stare at her heart or cleavage.
Her heart, which is very close to her cleavage, increased in beat like a drum being played by a retarded child, but not the kind of child who loses interest in the drums after only a few minutes, but continues banging away at them for hours on end, even though he lacks much rhythm because, let's face it, he's a retard.
He sauntered casually over to her...
Wednesday 31 October 2007
Love letter
Dear xxxxx
I don’t know how I can tell you how sorry I am for calling you by my ex-girlfriend’s name. I have tried to express my affection for you in the following e-mail. I’m not usually good at expressing my feelings, so please bear with me on this.
I still can’t get over the fact that I called you by her name. For one, she looks nothing like you. You see, my ex-girlfriend was very attractive.
I initially thought about buying you chocolates, but then I remembered that you’re a bit fat. I know you hide it well with your loose clothes and dark colours, but I can tell that you need to slim down a bit. Many of my friends have told me that they think you have a great figure, but you’ll be pleased to know that I stood up for you and corrected them by letting them know that you’re actually a bit of a porker.
I then considered buying you flowers or perfume, but then I remembered that you’re probably not into that whole “nice scent” thing, as I’ve noticed you usually smell of sweat and therefore you probably don’t believe in smelling nice.
I know that women love their make-up, but I didn’t think that would be for you either. If I wanted an attractive girlfriend, I obviously wouldn’t have dated you to start off with.
Buying you clothes was my next option, as I noticed that you’re always spilling food on your clothes. You seem to have mayonnaise stains on almost all your clothes when you get back from work at the “massage centre” where you work. (I still don’t know why you won’t let me visit you at work. I’d love to get a massage from you as I noticed you have a very strong right hand when we held hands the other night). I opted out of the clothes present, because I wasn't sure of your size and the store assistants I spoke to said that there wasn’t a size “quite fat”.
Jewellery wasn’t ever going to be a serious option because I once bought jewellery for my ex (remember her? The attractive one) and it would just remind me of her and it would make me sad whenever you wore your jewellery as I’d be reminded of the great girl I lost.
So in short, I’ve decided to send you this e-mail, to tell you how great you are. I know that you have serious emotional problems ever since you saw your father murder your mother with a chainsaw and I’ve been warned by your friends that I shouldn’t mention it to you, because you might have a relapse, so I won’t. By the way, what was it like being locked in the basement with your mother’s corpse for five days before the police found you? Any further news from the police about finding your father and have they told you about the death threats he’s sent you but they keep hidden from you?
Oh well, I guess I’m just rambling on now. I hope this e-mail has cheered you up and that you’re now willing to forgive me for calling you by my ex-girlfriend’s name (the sexy one).
If you do forgive me, please let me take you out to dinner and a movie tonight. I hear that “Texas chainsaw massacre – the beginning” is showing. Sounds like good fun.
Hope to hear from you soon.
Take care,
Muppet
I don’t know how I can tell you how sorry I am for calling you by my ex-girlfriend’s name. I have tried to express my affection for you in the following e-mail. I’m not usually good at expressing my feelings, so please bear with me on this.
I still can’t get over the fact that I called you by her name. For one, she looks nothing like you. You see, my ex-girlfriend was very attractive.
I initially thought about buying you chocolates, but then I remembered that you’re a bit fat. I know you hide it well with your loose clothes and dark colours, but I can tell that you need to slim down a bit. Many of my friends have told me that they think you have a great figure, but you’ll be pleased to know that I stood up for you and corrected them by letting them know that you’re actually a bit of a porker.
I then considered buying you flowers or perfume, but then I remembered that you’re probably not into that whole “nice scent” thing, as I’ve noticed you usually smell of sweat and therefore you probably don’t believe in smelling nice.
I know that women love their make-up, but I didn’t think that would be for you either. If I wanted an attractive girlfriend, I obviously wouldn’t have dated you to start off with.
Buying you clothes was my next option, as I noticed that you’re always spilling food on your clothes. You seem to have mayonnaise stains on almost all your clothes when you get back from work at the “massage centre” where you work. (I still don’t know why you won’t let me visit you at work. I’d love to get a massage from you as I noticed you have a very strong right hand when we held hands the other night). I opted out of the clothes present, because I wasn't sure of your size and the store assistants I spoke to said that there wasn’t a size “quite fat”.
Jewellery wasn’t ever going to be a serious option because I once bought jewellery for my ex (remember her? The attractive one) and it would just remind me of her and it would make me sad whenever you wore your jewellery as I’d be reminded of the great girl I lost.
So in short, I’ve decided to send you this e-mail, to tell you how great you are. I know that you have serious emotional problems ever since you saw your father murder your mother with a chainsaw and I’ve been warned by your friends that I shouldn’t mention it to you, because you might have a relapse, so I won’t. By the way, what was it like being locked in the basement with your mother’s corpse for five days before the police found you? Any further news from the police about finding your father and have they told you about the death threats he’s sent you but they keep hidden from you?
Oh well, I guess I’m just rambling on now. I hope this e-mail has cheered you up and that you’re now willing to forgive me for calling you by my ex-girlfriend’s name (the sexy one).
If you do forgive me, please let me take you out to dinner and a movie tonight. I hear that “Texas chainsaw massacre – the beginning” is showing. Sounds like good fun.
Hope to hear from you soon.
Take care,
Muppet
Saturday 20 October 2007
RWC final - England vs Boks: head to head
15 Jason Robinson vs Percy Montgomery
Jason has developed from being a fine beer into a fine wine. He’s more expensive than beer and not as gassy.
Percy is like supermodel. Great hair, great legs and has a few restraining orders against me.
Even
14 Paul Sackey vs Bryan Habana
When Paul was first chosen for England, many England supporters were downhearted and felt depressed. It turns out it had nothing to do with Paul. That’s just the way they are.
A lot has been talked about how Bryan races against cheetahs back in SA. What people fail to mention is that Bryan lost 2 out of those 3 races. He’s not so fast after all.
Adv Boks
13 Mathew Tait vs Jaque Fourie
They say that dynamite come in small packages. I for one think that’s disgusting. Why can’t dynamite find some old woman in a coma like normal people do?
Jaque is a very humble young man. His insight into Fijian rugby was an eye-opener. He undoubtedly respects what England have achieved over the last four years.
Even
12 Mike Catt vs Francois Steyn
Mike brings experience to the England backline. Lots of it. Tons in fact. Fuck me, he’s old! But he’s from Port Elizabeth, so he’s probably a great guy.
A lot has been said about Francois’s age. He’s been described as one for the future. But as the saying goes “If you’re good enough, you’re old enough.” Unfortunately, a catholic priest came up with that saying.
Adv England
11 Mark Cueto vs JP Pietersen
Mark’s undoubted talent has been spotted on the training fields and has forced his way back into this powerful England team.
JP has had to live in Habana’s shadow throughout this tournament. That probably sounds racist, so I apologise.
Even
10 Jonny Wilkinson vs Butch James
Jonny has single-handedly turned this England team around from playing boring ten man rugby in their first two pool matches into the dynamic attacking, running fifteen man team it is today.
Butch’s overconfidence might well be his downfall. He thinks he’s so great, he quite often plays without even using his arms.
Adv England
9 Andy Gomarsall vs Fourie du Preez
Matt Dawson has publicly asked for Andy’s passport to be torn up after consistently putting in great performance one after the other. It’s just not English!
Fourie has been one of the Boks stand out players, even though he’s played behind a pack that’s consistently gone backwards and a backline that just aimlessly kicks the ball away. In fact it’s probably difficult for him to not be a stand out player with the shit players around him.
Adv Boks
8 Nick Easter vs Danie Rossouw
Nick has been a revelation since being included in the England team. His sense of sarcasm and digs at the press have been brilliant during interviews.
Danie is a number eight from the old school. What he lacks in pace and flair, he makes up for with bad handling skills and lack of intelligent play.
Adv England
7 Lewis Moody vs Schalk Burger
Almost all English rugby journalists have written about the fact that Lewis isn’t an openside flanker. Lucky for England, Lewis can’t read.
Schalk has been solid since returning from his two match suspension for trying kill the IRB’s sense of smug self-satisfaction.
Adv Boks
6 Martin Corry vs Juan Smith
Martin is one of those players who isn’t in the limelight as much as many of his teammates. He doesn’t have the aerial skills of Moody, or the deft off loading touches of Shaw, but somebody has to the tough jobs, like giving the guys rubdowns and washing the mud off their boots after the game.
Juan has been outstanding. Even when he’s tried to rip opposition players’ heads off, his look of innocence and regret has been first class.
Adv Boks
5 Ben Kay vs Victor Matfield
Ben has been like Martin Johnson during this world cup. He’s given lots of interviews and talked about “the lads” a lot.
Victor took twenty minutes to figure out Argentina’s line-out in the semi-finals. It’s amazing that an Afrikaaner can make the calls “front” or “back” in such a short space of time. A true great of the game.
Adv Boks
4 Simon Shaw vs Bakkies Botha
Simon has lifted his game to new heights. That’s a lock joke. Another lock joke – Ali Williams.
Bakkies continues to play the game on the edge. He’s the brute force that frees up the finesse players like Burger and Roussouw.
Adv England
3 Phil Vickery vs Os du Randt
Phil’s captaincy for the world cup was assured as soon as the Sun figured out that they could use the headline “Phil Victory”. The back-up plan of using “More Tin Corry” seemed too disrespectful for the RWC trophy.
Twelve years ago, Os was considered a poor scrummager. Now in 2007, the Os we knew from twelve years ago has lost quite a bit of hair.
Adv England
2 Mark Regan vs John Smit
Mark is a feisty character who has been inspired by the players around him. I haven’t seen a grown man cry so much since Dallaglio during the national anthems.
John has led his players from the front. Unfortunately that front has been going backwards against the England and Argentinian scrums.
Adv Boks
1 Andrew Sheridan vs CJ van der Linde
Andrew is considered a tough guy on the field but a quiet soft-spoken man off it. Of course his quiet unassuming smile is quite off putting when you see pieces of the Australian front row stuck between his teeth.
A lot of people have criticised CJ for spending too much time between the centres or on the wing. Most of these critics have been the Bok centres and the wings who also don’t want to go scrum against Sheridan.
Adv England
England – 6
Boks – 6
Even – 3
Jason has developed from being a fine beer into a fine wine. He’s more expensive than beer and not as gassy.
Percy is like supermodel. Great hair, great legs and has a few restraining orders against me.
Even
14 Paul Sackey vs Bryan Habana
When Paul was first chosen for England, many England supporters were downhearted and felt depressed. It turns out it had nothing to do with Paul. That’s just the way they are.
A lot has been talked about how Bryan races against cheetahs back in SA. What people fail to mention is that Bryan lost 2 out of those 3 races. He’s not so fast after all.
Adv Boks
13 Mathew Tait vs Jaque Fourie
They say that dynamite come in small packages. I for one think that’s disgusting. Why can’t dynamite find some old woman in a coma like normal people do?
Jaque is a very humble young man. His insight into Fijian rugby was an eye-opener. He undoubtedly respects what England have achieved over the last four years.
Even
12 Mike Catt vs Francois Steyn
Mike brings experience to the England backline. Lots of it. Tons in fact. Fuck me, he’s old! But he’s from Port Elizabeth, so he’s probably a great guy.
A lot has been said about Francois’s age. He’s been described as one for the future. But as the saying goes “If you’re good enough, you’re old enough.” Unfortunately, a catholic priest came up with that saying.
Adv England
11 Mark Cueto vs JP Pietersen
Mark’s undoubted talent has been spotted on the training fields and has forced his way back into this powerful England team.
JP has had to live in Habana’s shadow throughout this tournament. That probably sounds racist, so I apologise.
Even
10 Jonny Wilkinson vs Butch James
Jonny has single-handedly turned this England team around from playing boring ten man rugby in their first two pool matches into the dynamic attacking, running fifteen man team it is today.
Butch’s overconfidence might well be his downfall. He thinks he’s so great, he quite often plays without even using his arms.
Adv England
9 Andy Gomarsall vs Fourie du Preez
Matt Dawson has publicly asked for Andy’s passport to be torn up after consistently putting in great performance one after the other. It’s just not English!
Fourie has been one of the Boks stand out players, even though he’s played behind a pack that’s consistently gone backwards and a backline that just aimlessly kicks the ball away. In fact it’s probably difficult for him to not be a stand out player with the shit players around him.
Adv Boks
8 Nick Easter vs Danie Rossouw
Nick has been a revelation since being included in the England team. His sense of sarcasm and digs at the press have been brilliant during interviews.
Danie is a number eight from the old school. What he lacks in pace and flair, he makes up for with bad handling skills and lack of intelligent play.
Adv England
7 Lewis Moody vs Schalk Burger
Almost all English rugby journalists have written about the fact that Lewis isn’t an openside flanker. Lucky for England, Lewis can’t read.
Schalk has been solid since returning from his two match suspension for trying kill the IRB’s sense of smug self-satisfaction.
Adv Boks
6 Martin Corry vs Juan Smith
Martin is one of those players who isn’t in the limelight as much as many of his teammates. He doesn’t have the aerial skills of Moody, or the deft off loading touches of Shaw, but somebody has to the tough jobs, like giving the guys rubdowns and washing the mud off their boots after the game.
Juan has been outstanding. Even when he’s tried to rip opposition players’ heads off, his look of innocence and regret has been first class.
Adv Boks
5 Ben Kay vs Victor Matfield
Ben has been like Martin Johnson during this world cup. He’s given lots of interviews and talked about “the lads” a lot.
Victor took twenty minutes to figure out Argentina’s line-out in the semi-finals. It’s amazing that an Afrikaaner can make the calls “front” or “back” in such a short space of time. A true great of the game.
Adv Boks
4 Simon Shaw vs Bakkies Botha
Simon has lifted his game to new heights. That’s a lock joke. Another lock joke – Ali Williams.
Bakkies continues to play the game on the edge. He’s the brute force that frees up the finesse players like Burger and Roussouw.
Adv England
3 Phil Vickery vs Os du Randt
Phil’s captaincy for the world cup was assured as soon as the Sun figured out that they could use the headline “Phil Victory”. The back-up plan of using “More Tin Corry” seemed too disrespectful for the RWC trophy.
Twelve years ago, Os was considered a poor scrummager. Now in 2007, the Os we knew from twelve years ago has lost quite a bit of hair.
Adv England
2 Mark Regan vs John Smit
Mark is a feisty character who has been inspired by the players around him. I haven’t seen a grown man cry so much since Dallaglio during the national anthems.
John has led his players from the front. Unfortunately that front has been going backwards against the England and Argentinian scrums.
Adv Boks
1 Andrew Sheridan vs CJ van der Linde
Andrew is considered a tough guy on the field but a quiet soft-spoken man off it. Of course his quiet unassuming smile is quite off putting when you see pieces of the Australian front row stuck between his teeth.
A lot of people have criticised CJ for spending too much time between the centres or on the wing. Most of these critics have been the Bok centres and the wings who also don’t want to go scrum against Sheridan.
Adv England
England – 6
Boks – 6
Even – 3
Wednesday 17 October 2007
ITV announce All Blacks were merked
ITV today admitted to organising the New Zealand rugby team, known as the All Blacks, to lose to their French counterparts in the rugby world cup quarterfinals.
The All Blacks went into the tournament as overwhelming favourites. They had won all their pool matches with ease and were expected to go on to crush all other opposition on route to the final.
However ITV, who had bought the broadcasting rights to show the tournaments matches, had a hidden agenda during the tournament. Many of the cameras were not focussed on the game but in fact on many of the coaches and fans in the stands. These cameras were part of a new program ITV will be launching on Saturday evening, right after the rugby world cup final, called “Smile, you’ve been merked.”
This new reality program is the brainchild of Lisa Spreadbury, the marketing director for ITV. ‘The fact of the matter is that viewers enjoy reality TV.’ admitted Spreadbury when confronted about the show. ‘Viewer statistics show that more people watch X Factor and Strictly Come Dancing than any scripted program on television. Reality TV is the future and what better way than combining sport with candid camera?’
The premise of “Smile, you’ve been merked” is a series of elaborate practical jokes that aren’t just aimed at one or two people, but at hundreds or thousands of people, or in the All Blacks case, an entire nation.
Andrew Williams, ITV’s spokesperson, had been hoping to keep the new program a secret until the world cup had ended, but sources from within the All Black camp had managed to get their hands on proof of the practical joke. ‘It’s a shame that they found out before the program was played,’ Mr Williams admitted. ‘We were hoping to film all the players reaction when they found out they had been merked.’
Current All Black captain Richie McCaw, was initially shocked to hear that a joke had been played on them, but admits that it makes perfect sense when he thought about it. ‘Right from the start of the quarter final match against France, I felt that something wasn’t quite right.’ McCaw says. ‘The first sign was that we weren’t leading comfortable by the twenty minute mark. Throughout the match those fifty-fifty decisions seemed to be going against us all the time.’
ITV had combined forces with the IRB to set up this prank. They had hired an actor to play a referee for the match, called Wayne Barnes. Mr Barnes was given very limited time to be seen in the international rugby limelight and many eyebrows were raised when he had been appointed to referee this match.
‘Playing a rugby referee was a great challenge for me’ explained Mr Barnes speaking from his Hollywood loft compartment. ‘I was given just over one year to prepare for this big match and refereed a handful of matches leading up to it. I had to come across as a semi-decent referee before kick-off, but once the match started I could finally have fun.’
“Smile, you’ve been merked” will show interviews with key personnel before and after each match to describe how they plan on pranking their targets.
‘It wasn’t easy to keep a straight face throughout the match’ Mr Barnes admitted, ‘But I knew that my cover would have been blown if I had laughed out loud when I sent Luke McAllister off the field. I really struggled to keep a straight face during that part.’
When asked about the obvious forward passes that led to the French try, Mr Barnes just smiled and said, ‘Yeah, that was a tough one to pretend I didn’t see, but my touch judge, Jonathan Kaplan, told me in my earpiece that the passes were momentum and not forward, so laughing to myself I carried on with play.’
When pressed for more hints of what’s to come, Mr Williams from ITV, also noted with a glint in his eye, ‘Well let’s just say that England have done really well in the rugby recently and we have quite a few cameras in Iraq at the moment.’
The All Blacks went into the tournament as overwhelming favourites. They had won all their pool matches with ease and were expected to go on to crush all other opposition on route to the final.
However ITV, who had bought the broadcasting rights to show the tournaments matches, had a hidden agenda during the tournament. Many of the cameras were not focussed on the game but in fact on many of the coaches and fans in the stands. These cameras were part of a new program ITV will be launching on Saturday evening, right after the rugby world cup final, called “Smile, you’ve been merked.”
This new reality program is the brainchild of Lisa Spreadbury, the marketing director for ITV. ‘The fact of the matter is that viewers enjoy reality TV.’ admitted Spreadbury when confronted about the show. ‘Viewer statistics show that more people watch X Factor and Strictly Come Dancing than any scripted program on television. Reality TV is the future and what better way than combining sport with candid camera?’
The premise of “Smile, you’ve been merked” is a series of elaborate practical jokes that aren’t just aimed at one or two people, but at hundreds or thousands of people, or in the All Blacks case, an entire nation.
Andrew Williams, ITV’s spokesperson, had been hoping to keep the new program a secret until the world cup had ended, but sources from within the All Black camp had managed to get their hands on proof of the practical joke. ‘It’s a shame that they found out before the program was played,’ Mr Williams admitted. ‘We were hoping to film all the players reaction when they found out they had been merked.’
Current All Black captain Richie McCaw, was initially shocked to hear that a joke had been played on them, but admits that it makes perfect sense when he thought about it. ‘Right from the start of the quarter final match against France, I felt that something wasn’t quite right.’ McCaw says. ‘The first sign was that we weren’t leading comfortable by the twenty minute mark. Throughout the match those fifty-fifty decisions seemed to be going against us all the time.’
ITV had combined forces with the IRB to set up this prank. They had hired an actor to play a referee for the match, called Wayne Barnes. Mr Barnes was given very limited time to be seen in the international rugby limelight and many eyebrows were raised when he had been appointed to referee this match.
‘Playing a rugby referee was a great challenge for me’ explained Mr Barnes speaking from his Hollywood loft compartment. ‘I was given just over one year to prepare for this big match and refereed a handful of matches leading up to it. I had to come across as a semi-decent referee before kick-off, but once the match started I could finally have fun.’
“Smile, you’ve been merked” will show interviews with key personnel before and after each match to describe how they plan on pranking their targets.
‘It wasn’t easy to keep a straight face throughout the match’ Mr Barnes admitted, ‘But I knew that my cover would have been blown if I had laughed out loud when I sent Luke McAllister off the field. I really struggled to keep a straight face during that part.’
When asked about the obvious forward passes that led to the French try, Mr Barnes just smiled and said, ‘Yeah, that was a tough one to pretend I didn’t see, but my touch judge, Jonathan Kaplan, told me in my earpiece that the passes were momentum and not forward, so laughing to myself I carried on with play.’
When pressed for more hints of what’s to come, Mr Williams from ITV, also noted with a glint in his eye, ‘Well let’s just say that England have done really well in the rugby recently and we have quite a few cameras in Iraq at the moment.’
Wednesday 10 October 2007
Still no work
I work as a male prostitute. A very expensive male prostitute. So expensive that nobody can afford me. Well so it seems... they've never actually asked me how much I charge. I think they just presume that I'm really expensive and therefore don't bother asking. I don't know why. I don't wear nice clothes. I'm not good looking. I have awful manners. I'm in bad shape. I think it's very presumptious of them to just think that I'm out of their price range. It's a sad reflection of society, if you think about it.
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