Flowers?

It’s my one year anniversary and it’s also my wife’s one year anniversary. Fate? Anyway, we’re spending it in Portugal. Not much to do but relax and be romantic.

Today my lovely wife took a nice long bath and I joined her. I didn’t join her in the bath, I simply walked into the bathroom, farted and left again.

Who needs flowers?

PC porn

I want to get involved in the pornographic industry in order to make it better.

I know what you're thinking. You think it's very brave of me to want to sacrifice my current career (accountancy), in order to improve a different industry, which has loose morals. Quite frankly, you're right, but I feel that something has to be done!

I once watched a pornographic film. This is the type of film where you not only see a lady's breasts, but you also see her bum and even her groin part. And then you see a gentleman's groin area too and then they actually show the gentleman putting his groin part into the lady's groin part. I did not enjoy watching this pornographic film and would not want to watch another one.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not opposed to people having sexual intercourse. I realise that it is a vital part of the baby making process. The problem I had with this film was that the script was incredibly degrading towards the female species.

The film I watched was about a gentleman who delivered a pizza to a couple ladies. When they looking in their purses, they realised that they didn't have enough cash to pay him, so in order to "pay" for the pizza, the ladies agreed to have sexual intercourse with the gentleman. Not only is this sending out the wrong message about prostitution to young children but the manner in which the gentleman spoke to the two ladies was rude to say the least. If somebody I only just met, called me a dirty slut, I would punch that person right in the nose.

If the gentleman had been more respectful and the ladies concluded the transaction in a much more dignified manner, I would have preferred it much more and wouldn't feel bad about watching it with young children in the room.

I therefore want to get become a script editor for films. With a few simple tweaks to the script, it would be more like this:

Mike - I'm sorry, but if you don't have the money to pay for this pizza, I'll have to take it back.

Bambi -  Are you sure we can't come to another kind of arrangement?

Mike -  What kind of an arrangement?

Bambi - I don't know. I'm so hungry, I'll do almost anything to put that hot thick pizza in my mouth.

Mike - Are you suggesting some kind of financial contract whereby you promise me the cash by a certain date, which would include compound interest at the current bank's lending rate, to be settled either by a lump sum or instalments?

Bambi - That's exactly what I'm suggesting.

Mike - That seems fair. I'll need at least two references and the contract will need to be witnessed by an external party.

Bambi - Well I just happen to have two references here and my roommate Randi can witness the contract. Hey Randi, could you come here quickly?

Randi - What is it? I've just taken a shower and as you can see I'm only wearing this incredibly small towel. Bambi, why don't we have any normal sized towels?

Bambi - Never mind that. I need you to witness this contract. Please read through the contract and if you're happy that everything is in order please initial here, here and sign and date here. Thank you.

Randi - Oh God, financial contracts make me feel so sexy!

Bambi - Me too! Mike would you consider having sexual intercourse with us, just for the sake of pleasure rather than using it as a tool to gain some kind of advantage over the other person? This is obviously dependent on the fact that you're not currently in a relationship with another person.

Mike - Well actually, currently I'm not in a relationship and therefore would be willing to have sexual intercourse with both of you ladies only for the sake of sexual pleasure. Are either of you in a relationship?

Randi - No. We're both single and since our last sexual relationship we've both had our blood tested for sexually transmitted infections and we're both clean. Here, look at the results.

Mike - That all looks in order. Since my last sexual relationship, I too have had my blood tested for sexually transmitted infections and happen to have a copy of it with me. As you can see, I'm clear, but despite this, I still insist on wearing a condom, as it's always best to play it safe.

Bambi - That's right Mike. Safe sex is the best kind of sex.

Randi - I'm now going to drop my incredibly small towel to the floor and you may notice that my breasts are relatively large. I realise that this means that I don't fit into the stereotype according to fashion magazines of what a lady's body should look like, but I am comfortable with my body, no matter what it looks like.

Bambi - Good for you Randi. I too have enormous breasts and I don't let fashion magazines upset me with their pictures of very thin models. Look.

Mike - Well I think both of you have lovely bodies, but I would also like to point out that I find all women of different shapes and sizes attractive, as true beauty is inner beauty. I for instance have a penis that is considerably larger than the average male penis yet despite this, I don't feel bad about it.

Randi - Good for you Mike. Despite your penis not being the norm, I am not put off by it and to show you this I want to put it in my mouth.

Bambi - While Randi is doing that, I would like to pleasure her with my mouth because I don't believe that women should only sexually stimulate men.

Mike - I agree to this and I would like to massage all your breasts while all this is being done, but at any time please let me know if you're not comfortable with any situation and I will stop and we can then talk about the situation.

They arrange themselves in the above mentioned format.

Mike - Oh yes Randi, that feels so good, keep sucking my penis, unless it makes you feel uncomfortable.

Randi - Mnurph gurb cug.

Bambi - I think she's enjoying it, and I'm enjoying pleasuring her with my mouth, but I would also like to pleasure you with my mouth too Mike. I hope that doesn't offend you?

Mike - No Bambi. That doesn't offend me. You and Randi can take turns pleasuring me with your mouths.

Randi - Thanks Mike. We'd also like to rub your penis against our large breasts, if that's alright with you.

Mike - I'm OK with that.

Bambi - Despite all the pleasure I'm getting from your penis in my mouth, I would like you to penetrate my vagina.

Mike - I'm OK with that.

Randi - And while Bambi is doing that I would like to sit on your face.

Mike - I'm OK with that.

A dwarf walks into the room leading a horse

Dwarf - Why does this script refer to me as a dwarf? We preferred to be called "little people".

Bambi - I think that's fair enough. Let's take a time-out to discuss our feelings.

Randi - Yes. I don't want to upset little people or any other kind of people.

Mike - Why is there a horse in your flat?