A valentine's day present is never easy to buy. Unlike a birthday or Christmas present, it has to be more personal than recycled tampons.
Women can be quite irrational if you give her the wrong thing on what is scientifically the most romantic day of the year.
If you buy her chocolates, she’ll think that you think she’s fat, even though she stuffs kilograms of the stuff in her fat trap every other day of the year. If you buy her a cute, soft toy, she’ll think that you’re a paedophile. If you buy her a vacuum cleaner, she’ll think that you’re going to use it on your cock when she’s out. This is all true, but it doesn’t make buying a present any easier.
This year I’ve gone all out to impress. I’ve killed her boss, whom she hates and left his severed head in the fridge. Then I tracked down her first boyfriend and after some flirting and role play games, extracted a cup of his sperm for her to drink, to make her feel young again.
It’s not easy being romantic, in fact it’s a pain in the arse.
Friday 13 February 2009
Friday 6 February 2009
How to pick up chicks - lesson 9
Role-play
Every relationship suffers lags from time to time. Even I, the great Sad Muppet, greatest lover in the world, literary genius and other stuff I’m also well at, occasionally needs to ignite the fire of lust in my bitch.
That’s why one needs to mix things up a bit, not only in the bedroom, but also in the kitchen, when cooking. Like when you’re adding spices to a meal or making a salads. You can toss a salad, but mixing it is also allowed, but the lettuce leaves might snap, so be warned. In this case however, I’m only referring to mixing things up in the bedroom.
If a relationship has become long-term (more than two weeks), things may become dull in bed. She might not be interested in sex as much as she used to be and even pretend that the mere prospect makes her physically sick. Sometimes she will literally vomit when you touch her. This might because she’s shy or dying of a deadly disease. In either case, it’s up to you to make her feel better, by having sex with her. I know this will work, because I usually feel better while having sex, except during that bear incident.
A very popular way of igniting the flame of lurve is through role-play. There are different types of role-play one can try. Here are a few suggestions.
- Dress up like a fireman and show up at her place with your hose out ready to save a damsel in distress. Please note: Check to see when she’s having her parents round for dinner before doing this.
- Dress up like a policeman and show up at her place, suggesting that you’ve been tipped off that she’s hiding drugs on her person and she’ll have to be thoroughly examined. Please note: Do not bring a fake police dog with you that attacks under the command word “Hitler”.
- Dress up like Osama Bin Laden and threaten to blow up her flat if she doesn’t do as you say. Please note: If you’re taking public transport to her place, remember to only get changed into the outfit when you arrive.
- Dress up like her father and ask her who her daddy is. Please note: Do not do this if she was molested by her father when she was a child.
- Dress up like Godzilla and threaten to destroy the city if she doesn’t suck you off. Please note: This one can be very expensive and you’ll need at least thirty people to help control the robot.
- Dress up like a school principal, who will cane her for being a bad, bad girl. Please note: Do not do this if she’s still at school at the time or dead.
- Dress up like her ex-boyfriend, who use to beat her up a lot, if she didn’t give him money to support his drug habit. Please note: Do not do this, if her ex-boyfriend is visiting her at the time. Wait until he’s gone.
- Dress up like a catholic school girl, who wants to be naughty. Please note: Do not get horrendously drunk before going over to her place and accidentally end up in a gay bar in Soho instead.
- Dress up like the man of her dreams. Please note: Make sure you distinguish her dreams from her nightmares before buying the costume. Chainsaws can be expensive.
- Dress up like surrealism. Please note: Time is fish.
- Dress up like Batman and show up at her place to protect the innocent from evil doers. Please note: Do not bring a homeless man with you and tell him to rape her, so that you can beat him up, if he’s much stronger than you.
But the favourite role-play that my girlfriend and I like to play is just by going to a pub that we’ve never been to before and pretend that we don’t know one another. I will go up to her and introduce myself while offering to buy her a drink. She will introduce herself to me and accept my offer and then go have sex with somebody else in the toilet.
Every relationship suffers lags from time to time. Even I, the great Sad Muppet, greatest lover in the world, literary genius and other stuff I’m also well at, occasionally needs to ignite the fire of lust in my bitch.
That’s why one needs to mix things up a bit, not only in the bedroom, but also in the kitchen, when cooking. Like when you’re adding spices to a meal or making a salads. You can toss a salad, but mixing it is also allowed, but the lettuce leaves might snap, so be warned. In this case however, I’m only referring to mixing things up in the bedroom.
If a relationship has become long-term (more than two weeks), things may become dull in bed. She might not be interested in sex as much as she used to be and even pretend that the mere prospect makes her physically sick. Sometimes she will literally vomit when you touch her. This might because she’s shy or dying of a deadly disease. In either case, it’s up to you to make her feel better, by having sex with her. I know this will work, because I usually feel better while having sex, except during that bear incident.
A very popular way of igniting the flame of lurve is through role-play. There are different types of role-play one can try. Here are a few suggestions.
- Dress up like a fireman and show up at her place with your hose out ready to save a damsel in distress. Please note: Check to see when she’s having her parents round for dinner before doing this.
- Dress up like a policeman and show up at her place, suggesting that you’ve been tipped off that she’s hiding drugs on her person and she’ll have to be thoroughly examined. Please note: Do not bring a fake police dog with you that attacks under the command word “Hitler”.
- Dress up like Osama Bin Laden and threaten to blow up her flat if she doesn’t do as you say. Please note: If you’re taking public transport to her place, remember to only get changed into the outfit when you arrive.
- Dress up like her father and ask her who her daddy is. Please note: Do not do this if she was molested by her father when she was a child.
- Dress up like Godzilla and threaten to destroy the city if she doesn’t suck you off. Please note: This one can be very expensive and you’ll need at least thirty people to help control the robot.
- Dress up like a school principal, who will cane her for being a bad, bad girl. Please note: Do not do this if she’s still at school at the time or dead.
- Dress up like her ex-boyfriend, who use to beat her up a lot, if she didn’t give him money to support his drug habit. Please note: Do not do this, if her ex-boyfriend is visiting her at the time. Wait until he’s gone.
- Dress up like a catholic school girl, who wants to be naughty. Please note: Do not get horrendously drunk before going over to her place and accidentally end up in a gay bar in Soho instead.
- Dress up like the man of her dreams. Please note: Make sure you distinguish her dreams from her nightmares before buying the costume. Chainsaws can be expensive.
- Dress up like surrealism. Please note: Time is fish.
- Dress up like Batman and show up at her place to protect the innocent from evil doers. Please note: Do not bring a homeless man with you and tell him to rape her, so that you can beat him up, if he’s much stronger than you.
But the favourite role-play that my girlfriend and I like to play is just by going to a pub that we’ve never been to before and pretend that we don’t know one another. I will go up to her and introduce myself while offering to buy her a drink. She will introduce herself to me and accept my offer and then go have sex with somebody else in the toilet.
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