Bad in bed? Women love it!

A well known fact is that chicks dig bad boys.

If a woman had to decide between going out on a date with a priest who devotes all his spare time teaching choir boys about the evil in the world or choosing a man who doesn't do much charity work, but occasionally drinks alcohol and doesn't mind buying some wine for a woman, even though she's not his wife, the majority of woman would choose the man who drinks. Women are stupid.

So in order to boost my image with the fairer, weaker and dumber sex, I've decided to drop my wholesome good boy image and delve into my dark side.

So in order to impress women, I'm going to push them out of the way, if they're in my way and I might even push them if they're not in my way. This rule will only relate to small women, really old women and girls under thirteen years old.

I'm not going to offer a heavily pregnant women my seat on the train. She needs to understand that I'm a bad boy and even though this will result in her finding me incredibly attractive, I'm not going to have sex with her until she loses some weight.

I'm not always going to eat five fruit and veg a day.

If I see a neighbour murder his wife, cut up the body, have sex with the body parts, drag the remaining body to a quiet forest and bury them in a shallow grave, I'm not going to dig up the body and take photos of me having sex with the parts and then later pretend that the photos were faked, when questioned by the police, unless they buy me a beer shandy first!

I'm not going to do all the ironing, unless there are serious creases in my shirts and socks.

I'm not going to apologise to corpses anymore.

Watch out world, a new muppet is here.

Actually, don't watch out. I don't care if you watch or don't watch. I'm bad.

Actually, I do care if you watch because if girls didn't notice my sexy bad behaviour, they're not going to respect me more than previously.

I'm not even going to spell check this article!

Greased sluts

More filthy lyrics from Grease - Summer Nights.

[Danny]
Summer lovin' had me a blast

[Sandy]
Summer lovin' happened so fast

[Danny]
I met a girl crazy for me

[Sandy]
Met a boy cute as can be

[Both]
Summer days driftin' away, to uh-oh those summer nights

[Everyone]
Uh Well-a well-a well-a huh

All good so far. Nothing sinister to be seen there.

[Thunderbirds]
Tell me more, tell me more

[Doody]
Did you get very far?

Getting a bit personal here.

[Pink Ladies]
Tell me more, tell me more

[Marty]
Like does he have a car?

Women! The only thing they ever care about is cars.

[Everyone]
Uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh

[Danny]
She swam by me, she got a cramp

On the blob?

[Sandy]
He ran by me, got my suit damp

You're sharing a bit too much, Sandy.

[Danny]
I saved her life, she nearly drowned

[Sandy]
He showed off, splashing around

Bukake?

[Both]
Summer sun, something's begun, but uh-oh those summer nights

[Everyone]
Uh well-a well-a well-a huh

[Pink Ladies]
Tell me more, tell me more

[Frenchy]
Was it love at first sight?

[Thunderbirds]
Tell me more, tell me more

[Kenickie]
Did she put up a fight?

Kenickie is confident that not only did Danny rape Sandy, but he'd also like to know if she can take a punch. Nice.

[Everyone]
Uh-huh-uh-huh-uh-huh-uh-huh

[Danny]
Took her bowling in the arcade

[Sandy]
We went strolling, drank lemonade

[Danny]
We made out under the dock

[Sandy]
We stayed out 'till ten o'clock

Are we honestly supposed to believe that ten o'clock was the original lyric?

[Both]
Summer fling, don't mean a thing, but uh-oh those summer nights

[Everyone]
Uh well-a well-a well-a huh

[Thunderbirds]
Tell me more, tell me more

[Putzie]
But you don't gotta brag

[Pink Ladies]
Tell me more, tell me more

[Rizzo]
Cos he sounds like a drag

Tranny suspect?

[Everyone]
shoo-bop bop, shoo-bop bop, shoo-bop bop,shoo-bop bop, shoo-bop bop, shoo-bop bop, shoo-bop bop, YEH

[Sandy]
He got friendly, holding my hand

No interpretation needed here.

[Danny]
While she got friendly down in the sand

Sand in Sandy's sandpit. This won't end well.

[Sandy]
He was sweet, just turned eighteen

[Danny]
Well she was good you know what I mean

No we don't. You've been so subtle.

[Everyone]
Woah!

[Both]
Summer heat, boy and girl meet, but uh-oh those summer nights

[Everyone]
woo, woo, woo

[Pink Ladies]
Tell me more, tell me more

[Jan]
How much dough did he spend?

Hi Jan. Single?

[Thunderbirds]
Tell me more, tell me more

[Sonny]
Could she get me a friend?

Sonny likes threesomes.

[Sandy]
It turned colder - that's where it ends

[Danny]
So I told her we'd still be friends

Sandy. Welcome to Dumpsville. Population, you.

[Sandy]
Then we made our true love vow

[Danny]
Wonder what she's doing now

Probably having a scratch, if she still hasn't got all that sand out yet.

[Both]
Summer dreams ripped at the seams,

Who honestly believes that Sandy was a virgin.

bu-ut oh, those su-ummer nights....

[Everyone]
Tell me more, tell me more!

No! Fuck off.

Friendly neighbours

I have recently moved from a depressing one bedroom flat in the city to a lovely three bedroomed house in the burbs. The air is cleaner. The noise is less noisy. The people are friendlier.

On the weekend of the move, I was busy supervising my girlfriend, who was carrying heavy boxes from the car to the house, when a little old lady from next door appeared to welcome us to the neighbourhood.

She walked up to my girlfriend and held out her ninety year old wrinkled hand, saying "Hi, I'm Jane. Welcome."

My girlfriend introduced herself while chatting about the lovely street and lovely trees and lovely day and lovely cats, while the handshake continued. This seems strange, but I'm too handsome to comment.

Near the end of the conversation, my girlfriend's voice becomes shaky and she looks like she's about to pass out. I quickly try to locate the camera, because filming her passing out while shaking hands with a little old lady will be fucking funny. Unfortunately I don't know in which box the camera is, as I was watching TV when my girlfriend did all the packing.

But the handshake ends without my girlfriend passing out, which has worked out for the better, as I still had no idea where the camera was. My girlfriend was softly wringing her hand as she heads back to the car to take the next heavy load into the house.

I approach Jane and hold out my hand and introduce myself. She smiles sweetly and grips my hand in what feels like the jaws of life. Her tiny little wrinkled hand, has the power of an angry bulldozer. Mild tempered bulldozers know nothing about handshakes.

She's crushing my hand, while smiling sweetly and telling me about her cat. A mild sweat has broken out on my brow and I try to fight the pain. I attempt to make mild chit-chat about her cat, but can only think about the pain.

Eventually she lets go and I'm able to breathe normally again. She waddles off to her house and I try and regain some blood back into my pulverised hand.

I sit down on the little wall outside our new home, while the girlfriend carries boxes and makes me something to eat and drink. How is it possible that a little old lady can develop so much power in her hand? Is it possibly a disease that makes her hand clamp down so fiercely? When should I ask for a hand-job?