Interior design time

I've been living in my new house for almost a year now and my bitch thinks it's time to update our kitchen.

As I'm a man, I don't know much about kitchens except that it's used to make dinner for my bitch when she tells me she wants dinner.

The problem with our current kitchen is that it's quite spacious, but there's very little counter space.

The kitchen roughly looks like this:

(click on the pic to make it bigger)


So my bitch sent the above picture through to me along with the below proposed changes.




That seems like a clever idea, but looking at the picture it seems that a lot of space was going to waste, when in fact we have a table and chairs in that space. So I have added to her picture in order to get a better understanding of the space we have.





That seems like a fair reflection of our kitchen and our eating area.

But it also shows that we still have a bit more space to play with.

As we're already putting an extension in the kitchen, it makes sense to utilise the space appropriately.





Having two bars in a cramped space is a bit depressing if you're just sitting around drinking, so let's add another feature.






Of course having two bars and a beer fridge means that one's bladder is going to fill up quite quickly and you don't want to be too far away from the action when the strippers get into their act.





Of course having a toilet plumbed in and paying for strippers every night isn't going to be cheap, so I'm going to have to start charging my friends. I'm sure they'll understand.





I consider myself a realist and like to prepare for things.

I'd be naive to not have this kind of cupboard.





So I have expanded on my bitch's little womanly thought and I'm left with probably the coolest kitchen in the world ever.






She's lucky woman to have me in her life.

Flat-pack crap attack

Have you ever tried to assemble flat-pack furniture? Have you ever been able to correctly assemble flat-pack furniture? Have you ever looked at the manual that your flat-pack furniture came with and been able to make any sense of it? Have you ever been able to make your completed unflat-packed furniture look like the picture on the cover of the flat-pack furniture box?

If you answered yes to more than one of the above then you are what is known as a lying cunt.

In my previous flat-pack adventures I have made an ashtray from a table, a spice-rack from a cupboard and a non-combustion engine from a breadboard.

But I am a man and will never admit defeat to mocking furniture, so I have bought more furniture that needs to be assembled, with my manly man hands.

I bought a garden chair that was already put together, but the operational manual had eight pictures to show how to operate the complex device. As you can tell by the very confusing pictures, assembling this unit wasn't going to be easy.

I tried matching each picture in the manual with what was in front of me.

Picture 1:



This looked familiar. I think I have a match.



So far so good.

Picture 2:



Hmmm... let's go with this:



That doesn't look quite right, but it's the closest match I could find.

Picture 3:



What the fuck is happening here? It looks like a fatter version of the previous one, but now it's somehow shooting arrows.

Is this the right one?



No! No! No! That doesn't look right at all! Where's the shooting arrow?

Picture 4:



OH MY GOD! That looks like a chair! How the fuck did that happen?

I've got this:



I try sitting on it. I'm seriously not comfortable and my legs feel cramped. The back support is very limiting.

I head back to the instructions and turn the page.

Picture 5:



This looks a lot like picture 4, but it's shooting an arrow. How is this possible?

Picture 6:



The chair is getting thinner somehow and arrows are attacking one another.

Picture 7:



WHAT? Arrows attacking one another and it's shooting a giant arrow away from itself?

I check the box for arrows. Nothing!

I try to line up my chair to look like the picture above. I think I'm close.



When I sit on it, I can feel the arrows. I must be close.

Picture 8:



What? That looks nothing like a chair! It makes no sense!

I need to stay calm and think this through.