But when it comes to Christmas, I step it up to another level. A level so high, that it is higher than the previous level, which is at a lower level to which the level I've stepped it up to is now levelled lower in levelness. Yes, that much.
And this audacious new level is with Christmas presents. I'm not happy until I've found the perfect gift for my partner. Whether it's a new vacuum cleaner or even a fancy new ironing board, I will insist on getting the best for her (at a reasonable price (preferably at Argos)).
I have learnt from the mistakes of my past that what a woman asks for isn't always what they want. I once dated a woman who kept on dropping obvious hints that she wanted a pearl necklace but on Christmas morning, after giving her the ideal gift she had been asking for, she seemed quite upset and after a shower, left without even saying good-bye.
So this year, I'm avoiding the whole "my wheelchair is so old, the brakes keep failing on hills" hints, and I'm blazing a new trail of Christmas shopping.
My first plan of action was to do research as to what women want and it's amazing what internet search engines have to offer. Time and time again it seems that the overwhelming thing that women want is to share their man with another woman in a sexual way. In order to be thorough I literally watched hours and hours of the research.
Now that I knew what my girlfriend wanted, I had to set about making it happen. This was going to be trickier than I thought as our local pizza delivery person is a man and my girlfriend's best friend is fat.
After going back to the research material I also had to eliminate the plumber and the dwarf, who had been given special alien powers, as our local dwarf just sits on street corners and cries a lot.
I finally decided that the best place to get a woman to join my girlfriend and myself in bed would be one of my work colleagues, but as you can imagine, it's difficult to approach the subject tactfully, so I sent a group email to the five best looking candidates at the office.
Dear relatively decent looking work colleagues
For Christmas this year I have decided to give my girlfriend a surprise threesome, but I'm currently one person short. So I'm giving one of you the opportunity to be involved in this lovely gift. Obviously there are five of you and I can only choose one, so in order to increase your chances of being the chosen one, can I ask that you submit some sexy photos, preferably naked, to me by noon tomorrow.
I look forward to hearing from you.
Yours faithfully
Muppet
PS - Does anybody have the email address of that temp Helen, who worked here a couple of months ago?
PPS - Not the one with the lazy eye.
Amazingly enough, nobody replied to what I requested. Well some did reply, but not in a sexy way at all and even though there was some dirty talk, which scored some points, they forgot to include photos.
So as Christmas gets closer and closer, I still have a vacant position available.
I look forward to hearing from you.
