Girlfriend: Guess what.
Handsome Muppet: What?
Gf: Guess!
HM: You're fat.
Gf: No silly.
HM: You've found out I'm cheating on you?
Gf: What?
HM: Nothing.
Gf: Guess what I've got you.
HM: It better start with "D" and end with "inner".
Gf: No silly. It's a present.
HM: Dinner can be a present.
Gf: It's a goat!
HM: What?
Gf: I've got you a goat.
HM: Oh... Thanks. How did you know I like goats?
Gf: It's for an African family.
HM: What?
Gf: I've bought a goat from Oxfam, in your name and they're going to deliver it to Africa.
HM: Couldn't you find a better delivery company. I live in the UK.
Gf: No silly, the goat is suppose to go to Africa.
HM: But you said you bought ME a goat.
Gf: Yes the goat is in your name.
HM: So the goat is legally mine?
Gf: Well technically speaking, I suppose so.
HM: So I can choose to not send my goat to Africa?
Gf: That's not how it works.
HM: Oh I'm sorry. When did receiving presents mean I don't get anything.
Gf: You get the gift of knowing that you're helping people less fortunate than yourself.
HM: So you bought me bullshit as a present?
Gf: Sorry?
HM: You walk in here, without my dinner, then tell me that you've got me a goat, then tell me that I will never be able to fuck this goat.
Gf: What?
HM: Well it doesn't seem like a present to me.
Gf: Did you say "fuck the goat"?
HM: Maybe next time, instead of saying that you bought me a gift, you could just say that you're full of shit and you enjoy wasting my time.
Gf: But you're helping people less fortunate than yourself!
HM: Am I really? Do you have their bank statement? Let's see how bad they're suffering.
Gf: They don't have bank statements. They don't have clean water. They don't even have a house to sleep in.
HM: Ah. So what you're saying is that you've sent MY goat to some layabout bums.
Gf: They're not bums, they live in terrible conditions.
HM: It's so awful, yet they're still able to fuck goats.
Gf: What?
HM: Let's face it, the goat isn't probably too happy to be sent there. Why doesn't the goat get a say in the matter.
Gf: But the goat provides food to the family.
HM: What? They're going to eat my goat?
Gf: Well, they might be starving.
HM: Wouldn't it be easier to send them some burgers?
Gf: But it's not just the meat they need. They use the milk too.
HM: Oh it's like that is it. They want posh goat cheese.
Gf: No, they just want the milk to drink.
HM: This seems like an elaborate way of topping off their tea.
Gf: And they can use the goat's skin and hair to make clothes.
HM: They won't be getting much milk from a skinless goat.
Gf: And they'll want to breed the goats.
HM: That's all I wanted to do with it.
Gf: You're making a difference, by helping these people.
HM: These people who skin goats and then try to milk them. Why don't they just buy their own goats if they like goats so much?
Gf: They can't afford goats.
HM: They should talk to their union about a pay increase.
Gf: They don't have jobs.
HM: What?
Gf: They're simple people.
HM: They're retarded?
Gf: No. I mean they don't have any jobs available.
HM: So that makes them retarded?
Gf: I mean that the whole community is suffering because of the extreme poverty.
HM: My mate Dave doesn't have a job, but I'm not delivering goats to his home.
Gf: Dave has clean water and a bed to sleep on.
HM: How come you know so much about Dave's bed?
Gf: Shit! Bust. I'm sorry.
HM: Why does this always happen to me?
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