This is how I rate dinner party fanciness. The three levels are:
- wine from a box: Standard dinner party
- wine from a bottle with a screw-off top: Fancy dinner party
- wine from a bottle with a cork in it: Very fancy dinner party (the queen might attend).
I was recently at a very fancy dinner party. People were drinking corked wine and very few people were wearing jeans. By about the second glass of wine, the women folk, who had finished cooking for the men and therefore were allowed to mingle with the other guests, started talking about female celebrities they'd sleep with.
Some of the women were surprised by the others' choices, but the strange thing was that they all agreed that they'd sleep with Sandra Bullock. This seemed strange, as I'm sure most men would probably like to bang her, she's not really at the top of many of men's lists. So why are women so attracted to Sandra?
The reason, as was explained to me by the women, is that she comes across as nice and she does a lot of work for charity.
Yes this is what women look for in a one night stand, celebrity, lesbian fantasy - a solid history of charity work.
Is this the real reason why celebrities do charity. It's that hope that non-celebrity women will find their charity work arousing. Is this why Angelina Jolie adopts orphans? A few years ago, Angelina would have struggled to pull a fifty year old housekeeper in Middlesex, but thanks to some Aids charity gigs in sub-Sahara Africa, women all around the world are considering adding her to their lists.
Can you imagine a group of men having a similar conversation?
John - Jessica Alba is so hot. I'd love to nail her.
Mike - Yeah! She's fit all right. I wonder how much she gives to charity.
Pete - I hear she's a supporter of PETA.
John - So what. All celebrities say they support PETA, but how many of them really get involved?
Mike - That's a good point. Many celebrities merely show up at charity functions because it increases their PR, but are they actually helping.
Pete - I think that they're bringing awareness to the campaign, by being at such a function.
John - True, but they're not really going out of their way to make the world a better place, are they?
Mike - So it's agreed then. None of us will sleep with Jessica Alba, until she makes a significant contribution to charity.
Pete - So which celebrity can we nail?
John - Well, Oprah gives millions to charity every year and Madonna is always doing great work in Africa.
Mike - Oprah it is then!
On the other hand, Brad Pitt does do a lot for charity along with Anglina. Should I add him to my list?
Friday, 20 November 2009
Tuesday, 3 November 2009
Dirty lesbians!
As was previously posted, I have recently moved from the inner city slums, to the countryside with my prostitute and her giant pussy.
I was previously living in a one bedroomed flat, which my prostitute owned and when we decided to move to the farming town of outer London, she decided to rent the flat to prospective tenants, rather than sell it.
I was at home, resting my broken face during this period, so every now and then I had to put pants on when estate agents brought enquiring tenant wannabes.
The strange thing about all the people that came to view the flat was that the majority of them were lesbians. I wasn't aware that there were so many homeless lesbians in the world, but day after day, week after week, schools (I think that's the collective noun) of lesbians would come lesbianing in out of my flat, pretending that they weren't attracted to me, while they looked at the electrical outlets, plumbing fixtures and other lesbian type things that lesbians stare at.
I don't know why lesbians were drawn to the flat. Perhaps the decor is lesbenian. Perhaps they could tell that a real man had never lived there (good thing none of them brought one of those CSI blue lights with them). Perhaps they were drawn to my prostitute, who I think is actually a lesbian.
So the tenants who finally got the flat were lesbians. They came to view the flat twice and and asked me interesting lesbian questions. I've met many lesbians when in my single days and I can confirm that most lesbians aren't attractive. These two however were HOT! I was however a gentleman and my answers obviously satisfied their lesbian needs and they became lesbian tenants.
Prostitute, giant pussy and I moved out. Hot lesbians moved in.
One month on and hot lesbians call us, telling us that the shower is leaking. This never happened when I lived there, even though I used to shower up to twice a month. Home insurance would save us and prostitute dispatches a plumbing type man to look at the hot lesbians' pipes. Shower is mended and everyone is happy.
One week later and the hot lesbians call again and tell us that the shower is leaking again. Insurance plumber and pizza delivery boy are dispatched again.
So here's the thing. The shower was in fine working order when I lived there, but now that hot lesbians are there, they're doing something to the shower, but I don't know what. How can I find out what they're doing? Isn't the answer obvious? I need to install CCTV in the shower! This is my right as a landlord to keep an eye on those pesky, destructive, hot lesbians!
They don't need to know that I've installed CCTV in their shower. I could do it while they're sleeping. They're both deep sleepers and don't even wake up when I stroke their faces.
I was previously living in a one bedroomed flat, which my prostitute owned and when we decided to move to the farming town of outer London, she decided to rent the flat to prospective tenants, rather than sell it.
I was at home, resting my broken face during this period, so every now and then I had to put pants on when estate agents brought enquiring tenant wannabes.
The strange thing about all the people that came to view the flat was that the majority of them were lesbians. I wasn't aware that there were so many homeless lesbians in the world, but day after day, week after week, schools (I think that's the collective noun) of lesbians would come lesbianing in out of my flat, pretending that they weren't attracted to me, while they looked at the electrical outlets, plumbing fixtures and other lesbian type things that lesbians stare at.
I don't know why lesbians were drawn to the flat. Perhaps the decor is lesbenian. Perhaps they could tell that a real man had never lived there (good thing none of them brought one of those CSI blue lights with them). Perhaps they were drawn to my prostitute, who I think is actually a lesbian.
So the tenants who finally got the flat were lesbians. They came to view the flat twice and and asked me interesting lesbian questions. I've met many lesbians when in my single days and I can confirm that most lesbians aren't attractive. These two however were HOT! I was however a gentleman and my answers obviously satisfied their lesbian needs and they became lesbian tenants.
Prostitute, giant pussy and I moved out. Hot lesbians moved in.
One month on and hot lesbians call us, telling us that the shower is leaking. This never happened when I lived there, even though I used to shower up to twice a month. Home insurance would save us and prostitute dispatches a plumbing type man to look at the hot lesbians' pipes. Shower is mended and everyone is happy.
One week later and the hot lesbians call again and tell us that the shower is leaking again. Insurance plumber and pizza delivery boy are dispatched again.
So here's the thing. The shower was in fine working order when I lived there, but now that hot lesbians are there, they're doing something to the shower, but I don't know what. How can I find out what they're doing? Isn't the answer obvious? I need to install CCTV in the shower! This is my right as a landlord to keep an eye on those pesky, destructive, hot lesbians!
They don't need to know that I've installed CCTV in their shower. I could do it while they're sleeping. They're both deep sleepers and don't even wake up when I stroke their faces.
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