Winter festival present

Dear Satan

I have been a good boy this year and therefore I think I deserve lots and lots of presents!

Amongst all the good deeds I did, some of the bestest things I did were the following:
- I saw an old lady unable to get a seat on a packed train.
- I watched a blind man attempt to cross a busy road.
- When girl scouts came to my door selling their cookies for charity, instead of slamming the door in their faces, I invited them in.
- While at a funeral of a close friend, I didn't hit on his wife, until the drugs I put in her drink took effect.
- I did some charity work for tards.
- I visited old people in hospital who were too weak to defend themselves.
- There are a homeless couple who live in a cardboard box at the end of my street and on one particularly cold night, I made a lovely hot curry and thought of them while I ate it.
- I gave unwanted and abandoned a pets a new home and learnt to make interesting new recipes in the kitchen.

I'd like a gun!

Thanks
Muppet

Standing for freaks

The London underground is filled with the below picture on the tubes.



How offensive is that! Why would I give my seat up to fat people? People with a dead conjoined twins or people who can do rather simple levitating tricks?

Fat people should not be allowed on the tube, let alone be given a seat.

Dead conjoined twin people are so rare, if I see more than five in a month, it's unusual.

People who do levitating tricks scare me a bit, so I might give them a seat, but not because I want to.

I think the London Underground needs to change its policies. What about old people? What about hot chicks with a low-cut top? Am I the only polite person using the Underground?