Don't go near the light

I recently picked up a cold and as I'm a man, this means I'm near death. The following email conversation took place between myself and my loving wife:

Wife: Are you dying?
Sad Muppet: I’m currently only just hanging on. If I don’t make it, I want you to be brave. I want you to move on with your life. I want you to start dating other men again, no matter how hard it will be for you. I want you to try. Even though none of them will ever measure up to me, I want you to find mild happiness again.
W: Just men? Is that a rule? I need to be sure.
SM: Men, women, goats… whatever brings you mild happiness.
W: What if I like the man/woman/goat more than you and become ecstatically happy?
SM: Can the goat mow the lawn? Can the goat pop to the shop to get you some milk or cheese? Can the goat head-butt young children who annoy you?
W: Hmmm… You have given me a lot to think about. *Goes to goats dating wesite*

Attractive 31-year-old with a GSOH seeks goat with similar for fun, friendship, lawn-mowing and head-butting small children. Nanny goats need not apply.

SM: I’m not dead yet!
W: Doesn’t hurt to be prepared. You wanted me to move on quickly after your death; I can do this most effectively by having a few “back ups” ready to go. Makes sense, doesn’t it?
SM: I didn’t say quickly! You can date again after 6 months.
W: Six months from now or six months from when you snuff it?
SM: From when cross over.
W: Do you have an ETA on that? I am keen to get ahead of the game on this one.
SM: I’m feeling a bit better than I was feeling this morning, so with a bit of luck and the support of my wife by my side, I think I can beat this thing!
W: If it’s easier, you should just give in. Don’t struggle to get better on my behalf.
SM: I’m starting to doubt the support I’m getting from my wife.
W: Does that mean you’re less likely to survive?
SM: Yes!
W: Cool. Oh, by the way, if I die, I don’t want you to be happy and I don’t want you to move on. I want you to create a shrine to me in our bedroom. I would like one entire wall of the bedroom covered in photos of me (good photos, naturally), and a candle kept burning at all times. In every room of the house, I would like a massive picture of me and the words underneath “No-one can replace her. So don’t even think about it”. The Cat must wear black. And never let another girl set foot in the house. Even if she’s just there to read the meter.


She loves me so much, she can't bear the thought of me with another goat. I'm a lucky man.