1 September 2011:
To help me remember all my memories, my captain and our water carrier, John Smit, did suggested that I wrote a diary of all my activities during the World Cup. He also tolded me that I should write in English, because it would help me, because he says I sometimes come across as a bit fick and English would make me look klever. Kak!
Anyways, today are the big day. We are leafing South Africa and on our ways to the Wold Cup. John says it's in New Zealand this year, which is where I toured earlier in the Drie Nations while many of our best players were in hospital at the beaches.
This is my furd world cup which means I am respected the mostest by so many off the younger laaitjies. They is so intimidated by me, that they don't evens want to sit next to me on the plane, which is a pity, cos I can teach them how to keep their brains occupied during long flights. I like to punch the player next to me. Juslike! It's so funny. I hope Bakkies doesn't sit next to me again, because he doesn't seem to understand the rules properly.
I had a one-on-one session wiff the coach yesterday. Well it was supposed to be one-on-one, but Victor came wiff us to translate what that funny little guy kept saying. I don't know what he says, but it's so funny when he talks. I can't stop laughing. Anyway, Victor says that I need to work on my handling skills, which is stupid because I has two hands, just like everybody else. I showed him by lifting them in the air, but they knocked the fan on the ceiling off it's bracket and was about to fall on the coach, but I finked quickly and tried to catch it before it hit him in the face. The coach looks very angry now wiff the eight stitches in his head and he has a broken toe where I did standed on him, before I tripped and headbutted Victor by mistake. Bakkies heard the noise and came in and unleashed some of "God's fury" as he calls it. Victor had to hold Bakkies back and stroke his head softly until Bakkies had his shot.
Pierre, is very excited about going to the world cup because he could not go last time because apparently there was a mistake at the piss testing place last time. He said they gaved him a really cheap glass to piss in and it melted before he could hand it to the doctors. To stop the glass from melting, Pierre now has to go to the toilets wiff the nice physio lady. More good news for Pierre. The doctor says he are pregnant.
Bryan is also in a happy mood, because he says he only really plays his bestest rugby during world cups. He says after the last world cup he tried out some new tactics by pretending to run slower and not being able to do much on the rugby field. He said he did looked to me for that inspiration. It's nice that I can be the guy's hero.
I don't know where the coach will be playing in me in this world cup, because I can play anywhere in the backrow. I overheard him saying to John that I would be lucky to be on the bench. So looks like I'm starting.
Morne tolded me that of all the fings I need to catch, I must make sure that I catch the plane to New Zealand. He's so funny, the plane only leaves... OH KAK!
4 September 2011:
I are arrived!
After catching the wrong plane, then knocking a few others on, I finally gotted a plane to New Zealand.
It's strange to think that I was here only a month ago with at least two other guys in this squad, in an attempt to show the world the Springboks strength in depth. Unfortunately we was robbed in that game by the referee and the All Blacks, who kept scoring tries and refusing to let us score tries. It's just not cricket.
The New Zealand peoples has gone world cup crazy! Everywhere I go all the talk is about the world cup. So far I has been to our hotel and the rugby ground and the rugby training place and the gym and press conferences. Jusus people! Don't you have anything else to talk about?
Press conferences take much longer in New Zealand because all the New Zealand reporters do a Haka before they ask a question. John says that we has to respect their culture and wait patiently until they are finished, before telling them how kak the All Blacks are without Carter.
But it is not just the reporters. We are respecting culture everywhere. Passport control - Haka - then checks passport. Luggage handler - Haka - then carries bag. Bus driver - Haka - then drives bus. Hotel check in clerk - Haka - then checks us in. Waitress at restaurant - Haka - then takes our order. I don't means to complains but if I see one more Haka I fink I'm going to fucking lose it. Tomorrow we is going to the Maori cultural museum.
Found out that there's a problem wiff our kit for the tournament. Our kit manager, Francois Louw, says that we has enough Springbok tops for the entire tournament, but we only have enough armbands for four matches! John says that we will have to act like men and not complain too much, however we will of course be wearing them against Wales after what what their coach said about our team. What a poes!
I did make a joke about the Wales coach's name. I asked John what his name are and John said it is "Katlund" and I said, "Ja nee, more like Gatland". Jusus I laughed! I don't fink John understooded my funny joke.
Another problem wiff the armbands! As the armbands are black, we are not allowed to wear them because to wear black on the rugby field is to disrespect rugby culture. Bakkies did suggested that we wear armbands about not being able to wear armbands, but then we will be wearing more black and that's just going to make more trouble and we've upset the England camp enough by suggesting that they play a limited form of rugby by playing wiff a kicking flyhalf and expecting their big forwards to bash it up. Stupid England rugby tactics make I laugh.
Totsiens
Danie
6 September 2011
Bad news. Looks like I are starting at lock on Sunday against Whales. My dynamic running and handling skills is better used playing as a loose forward, but I are a team player and will sacrifice my talent for the good of the team. Looks like Bakkies is too scared and the Boks need a real man to take the heat.
Must check with John if Bakkies does knows how to read the internet before I are publishing this entry.
There are some good news however. The Maori people (the cleaners and gardeners of New Zealand, if you know what I means) will be supporting the Boks after we did attended a Maori ceremony and John did say very respectful fings and I fink he gave their chief a bottle of Klippies because they were very happy when we left and did not try to steal our hubcaps.
The coach are still being very funny. This time he are saying that John is the best hooker in the world at a press conference. We did all try to keep a straight face after he said that, but I could see some okes were giggling. Luckily I still don't understand what the coach are saying when he talks and had to ask Victor afterwards what the joke was. It was so funny man. I almost kakked myself.
I has single handedly solved the armbands problem. After we were told that we can't wear black on the rugby field because it will upset England, we didn't know what to do about the armbands. But I did fink very hard about the problem. I did fink and I did fink until there was nothing I aint funk. I was breathing in the stink until finally I stunk, because I like to fink while I have a kak and then it camed to me. The solution was so simple man. I gotted all the armbands together and I did painted them green. Juslike, you should have seen John's face when I did show him my good work the next morning. Who's the stupid one now?
Totsiens
Danie
9 September 2011
It are started! It have taken four years, but finally... I are chosen on merit ahead of Bakkies.
Bakkies are pretending that he are injured, but he knowses that after by brilliant form in the Drie Nations, the coach could not leave me out. Even John admitted that he has not seen ball carrying skills like mine since Dewet Barry. I fink he is hinting that I are to be playing in the centres soon, like Sonny Bill Nonu.
We know one thing about Sunday, it are not going to be easy. World Cup fever means that many fans will be wanting my "X" before and after the match but I keep forgetting to spell it. We will also be playing Wales on Sunday.
We are experiencing a bit of a "Suzie" in the camp. "Suzie" is a code word used for meaning that rugby players are poisoned. I don't knows who came up wiff it. Anyway, according to what is called the "Januarie contract" (I guess that was when it was signed) the entire camp is supplied wiff one hundred pies a day and now we has a few thousand pies waiting to be ated before they go vrot. It might have becomed a serious medical issue, but I has founded new respect for our skipper and Frans as they said that they will take care of the problems. I don't know where they chucked them, but all the pies are now gone.
The guys did try to play a joke on me about the match on Sunday. At first, the guys tolded that it was a night match, but when I did phoned home, my ma said it was a morning match. I fink the okes are trying to catch me out. I are not stupid.
I don't know how many more diary entries I can write on this stupid laptop, because I does keep dropping it and it are starting to make a funny sound. Whoever invented gravity is a doos!
Totsiens
Danie
After beating Wales in the Springboks opening match:
12 September 2011:
Jus man, that were close. After all the talk and after all the build up, we managed to do what many peoples did not fink we was capable off doing, we won wiff John on the field for most of the match.
I guess this proves the coach right about John being the best hooker in the world. Maybe there just is not any competition, because I did watch the England game on Saturday and I did see their number two kiss the other number two and I was always taughted that real hookers don't kiss.
But my hats does goes off to Whales too. They did play very well, because some of the times I did run wiff the ball, they did manage to make me knock the ball on, which is very unusual for me. Their captain did play with an unfair advantage, because he has the word "war" in his names. If we had a player in our team named after a fighting event or a warring machine, I is sure we would to betters. Must check with Victor if "Chilli" can be dangerous to other players, to give us an advantage.
Speaking off Victor, he are getting too old and cannot play a full game anymore. I are usually a "super-sub", but the coach did needed me for the full eighty minutes. I are very fit, but as fit as I are, Pierre are amazing. He are so fit, that after the game he did do one thousand push-ups and one thousand sit-ups in the changing rooms. I don't know how we do it. It almost like he did not do anyfing in the match.
After the match, many of the media peoples were complaining about one of the kicks, which they did say was a kick, but then the others did say it was not a kick. I don't know if a knee to the head counts as a kick, but I are glad that I are not that poor Argentinian oke.
Next up are Fiji and they did look very dangerous in their first match, so the coach might play his strongest team instead of the B team that did played on Sunday. Wiff Jean out for ten days, it be most likely that are to play at centre.
Totsiens
Danie
16 September 2011:
Tomorrow we are to playing against the Fiji, who haves a proud history of eating people.
I know this because I did do my research before the game. Victor usually does the research but because he are at rehabiliation at a nice hotel resort (outside of New Zealand off course), the coach did asked me to do the research on the opposition.
Victor's research are only about when to do jumpings in the line-out, which are boring and many of his line-out calls are numbers more than ten, so I don't really understand. He did however work on a special call for just me called "spring poes", which are code for the ball are coming to Danie.
But my research is much betters. I did go onto the internet and founded out good research. At the team gathering I did present my feedbacks as follows:
"Fiji are in the south Pacific, this means that they are in a big peace of water, but at the bottoms of that waters, not the top.
The whole Fiji team are black people (not that I does have a problem with that), this means that their gentlemen's agreement about affirmative action is working very well and the entire team does comes from previously disadvantaged areas. So make sure you leave your wallets in the bus before you go to the change rooms.
Fiji people are liking to be cannonballs. This does not mean that they does smoke dagga. This does means that they eat other peoples, so try not to spill barbeque sauce on yourself before the game.
Because the whole team is black (not that I does have a problem with that), it means that they will all be very fast. At the olympics there was one guy called Bolt who are also black (not that I does have a problem with that) and he I runs faster than anybody else, even other black (not that I does have a problem with that) guys. I did watch the movie Bolt to understand how his mind does work and I can confirm, he are a very lucky doggy.
So the tactic is that we should tackle the black (not that I does have a problem with that) guys before they have a chance to run fast. Akona, don't worry, because at your pace I don't think you will be mistaken for a black (not that I does have a problem with that) guy."
I fink my presentation did go well because only Akona did give me feedback, saying that he are not Akona, he are Odwa. How the poes am I supposed to know that? I don't want to be sounding like a racialist, but he looks just like the other wing who did play for us. I wonder where Lwazi are now.
Totsiens
Danie
20 September 2011:
Bokke! I are so hungry for some decent South African meat here in New Zealand. I are sick of fuckings sheep!
Anyways, the game on Saturday were a awesome game. We played out off our socks. Not literally. We all did kept our socks on. It are a saying like you can’t judge a book by its cover and Australia are kak.
After the Whales game, we really needed to be pulling up our socks. Again this are just a saying like don’t judge a tiger by its spots or Australia are very kak. But every man did give one hundred and thousand percent against the Fiji. Our backline were awesome! Our flanks is awesome. Even Pierre, who were criticised after the Whales game for being too Reuben Thorne were awesome. Me and Bakkies was awesome. Gurthro and Jannie was awesome. And John were... making good interviews after the game.
I off course are beings modestly awesome again, because I are awesomely modest. My man of the match award were well deserved. I maded Fiji look like a tier two rugby nations. I did take command off the lineout. My codes “Spring poes”, “Spring asseblief meneer” and “Spring slapgat nommer agt” were unbreakable. Our special code of “Passop, John word kakker en kakker elke dag en niemand weet waar die vokken bal gaan gaan” were the only code that were broken by the opposition.
Next up are Nam. I did do some good research on them agains and don’t expect much problems from them because the internets did tell me that the only team that they have beaten are the United States and that were only in the 1970s, so I don’t expect them to be any trouble for the mighty Kudu!
Vok! Ek moet eet.
Totsiens
Danie
29 September 2011:
I could tried to tell you what did happened in the Nam game, but you wasn't there man. You wasn't there. Unless you was there. Then you did see us poesklap them.
We did score ten tries! And then we did score two tries! Nobody really knows how many in total that comes to, but it's poes baie.
A big congratulations are to be going to out to Bryan, who did score a try against Nam and his first of the tournament, which are half the amount off tries that are I scored in the tournament so fars. Well done Bryan.
Despite what the scoreboard are said, we did not have fings all our ways, especially in the line-outs. Wiff Victor still at the golf recovery hospital resort centre, I was in charge off all the line-out calls again and even though my calls were unbreakable, they did seem to know where the ball are goings. So I did cleverly suggest that I would change the codes to the numbers on the jumpers backs, but are to be saying them in Afrikaans, so that they could not understands. Believe it or not they still seemed to be knowing where the ball did go. I guess it did not help that John can only speak English and Kwazulu Natal.
But anyways, we arse top off our table wiff only one game left, but it are not going to be a easy game. It are against Samoa, which is the factory country that makes Lomus. The latest batch are also having working livers.
I remember back in the 1995 Rugby World Cup tournament, when I was still in my early twenties, the Boks did play "Western Somoa" back then. So now that North, East and South Samoa are joining them, they are going to be much stronger. Imagines how strong South Africa would be if we allowed South West Africa and Zimbabwe players to play for us. I did suggested this to the Beast (not his real name) and he did say that home affairs might not like that idea. What the fuck has my Liefie and my boetie gotted to do wiff foreign players?
Victor are recovered from his holiday injuries and are captain, while John are to be rested until the next media interviews. I don't know if the coach will be calling Victor the best hooker in the world after this game, but it are looking like Bakkies are Victor will be fightings for the second lock spot for the rest of the tournaments.
Totsiens
Danie
2 October 2011:
And then there was eight. The remaining teams is the Bokke, the All Blacks B team, the team that lost to Ireland, the reserve team for next year's Drie Nations, the team that lost to a holiday resort island, Jonny Wilkinson, the Whales, the team that plays in green that are looking so impressive and the Ireland.
I did counted us twice because we is so good.
I could mention another team if I wanted to, because I still have a finger left, but I are not here to brag about my counting skills.
So anyways, Friday was like a war man. We pushed hard all the way. I didn't fink we was going to hold on, but in the end we did hold on until the end and we managed to get through the press conference without John as the captain telling the reporters the answers.
The match against Somoa was also very hard. High tackles, off the ball tackles, punching and eye gouging, or Schalk as he are also are known said that it were one of the toughest matches he did ever plays in.
Off course, when you is playing such a physical matches, there is always consequences and the injury clouds has struck the Bok camp. I are picked up a cut on my ear and did needed a plaster by the doctor during the match, but I are tough and will be ready to play in the next matches. And Frans are going home, which are a big loss to the camp, because if France are making the final against us, we are needing a translator and the only other option is Hougaard, but he are more of a Francois, so I don't think he are understanding the language properly.
Wiff Bismarck and John switching places from the opening games, it were John's turn to show what he can do as a "impact player" and I are to be takings my hat off to John as he probably had his best match off the tournament so fars. Very little bad throws in the line-out. Very little missed tackles. Very few errors in the dying minutes off the game. I are starting to see why he are rated so highly.
The media buzz about my awesome form continues and there are rumours that I are to get a legendary iconic rugby move to be named after me for the future generations to enjoy. Just like Campese is knowning for making the "Goose step" there are suggestions that I are becoming a legend wiff my powerful runs. I don't know the full story, but apparently when one team is awarded a scrum, it are because the opposition did run at them wiff lots of space and then made a "Danie". I fink this are meaning that they are showing majestic skills.
Totsiens
Danie
7 October 2011:
As I are had great success wiff my studies off the teams so fars, I are decided to help the coach wiff my own analysis off the line-ups for Sunday.
Here are Danie’s head-on-head analysis per position:
15 Kurtley Beale vs Pat Lambie
There are no denying that Kurtley are a very talented rugby player. He are probably the best fullback in the world at the moment. His running from the back reminds me of Christian Cullen when used to play for Munster. Pat are getting better and better in every match. He can evens tackle players without even holding onto them (according to the refs).
Adv Austria
14 James O'Connor vs Bryan Habana
I are not saying that James are pretty, but if I was a girl, I would be wishing I was a gay man. He are a good wing however, but his kicking at posts are like Jonny Wilkinson wiff an old ball. Bryan are getting better and better. We was kak, now he are a bit of a fart.
Evens
13 Adam Ashley-Cooper vs Jaque Fourie
Adam are moving back to centre from the wing. I are a firm believer that you can’t keep playing a quality player in different positions. Only kak players can’t hold onto their preferred position, like Bakkies. Jaque are had a good start against Whales, but are quiet recently, despite three backline moves in the last two games.
Adv Bokke
12 Pat McCabe vs Jean de Villiers
Pat are a name for touch rugby and foreplay. What hope do he have against the best inside centre at the rugby world cup? Unfortunately Frans are injured and Jean are filling his place. But Jean are still a very good player and will no doubt be in the Austria backline attempting to catch the ball instead of tackling players.
Adv Bokke
11 Digby Ioane vs JP Pietersen
Digby are have some great moves. After he are scoring a try. JP are playing wiff a broken knee.
Evens
10 Quade Cooper vs Morné Steyn
What can be said about Quade that are not been said yet? Poesklap pielletjie are a possibility. But he are hated so much because he are so dangerous. Especially if you are leaving DVD players lying around. Morné are the leading point scoring at the world cup, which are proof that centres don’t need a ball.
Evens
9 Will Genia vs Fourie du Preez
Will are such a good scrumhalf that if was South African, would be considered for a touring squad to go to the Northern Hemisphere for the autumn internationals. Four years ago, Fourie are the best scrumhalf in the world. I are presuming nothing have changed.
Adv Bokke
8 Radike Samo vs Pierre Spies
The other day Victor and I are laughing that Radike are still playing rugby at his age. I guess Austria’s youngsters aren’t good enough to step up to the plates and have to rely on players well past their prime. Pierre are so quick that even if you watch matches in slow motion, you still can’t see him hitting the rucks.
Adv Bokke
7 David Pocock vs Heinrich Brüssow
The Australian media keep going on how David dominates Heinrich in previous head to heads. How stupid are they? Statistics of previous encounters are meaningless and head to heads are stupid because it are a team sport. Heinrich has always been in the winning teams when playing against McCaw, who was the world player off the year last year.
Evens
6 Rocky Elsom vs Schalk Burger
Rocky were once the most feared player in club rugby in Ireland. Since then his form are not so great. I don’t know what have changed. Schalk are looking back to his best before his injuries and citing committees.
Adv Bokke
5 James Horwill vs Victor Matfield
James are captain off Austria and therefore must be respected like Gregan used to be respected. He are up against Victor who are considered as the second best lock in this year’s world cup.
Adv Bokke
4 Dan Vickerman vs Danie Rossouw
Ag please man. Don’t make I laugh.
Adv Bokke
3 Ben Alexander vs Gurthrö Steenkamp
Ben are known for being one off the fastest props in world rugby. And this are not just backwards in the scrum. Gurthro are getting the nod ahead of the Beast because he are… um…
Adv Bokke
2 Stephen Moore vs John Smit
Stephen are a bit off a joke as an international hooker. He cannot throw in the line-out. He cannot tackle. He cannot run or make the hard yards wiff the ball in hand. He are basically a waste off space at international level.
Adv Austria
1 Sekope Kepu vs Jannie du Plessis
Kepu are stuck wiff the image of being an Australian prop, despite spending much of his time between the locks. Danie are make joke! Jannie are like a fatter, older version of Bismarck, which are the best hooker on the bench in world rugby.
Adv Bokke
Bokke - 14
Austria - 2
Evens - 2
Totsiens
Danie
12 October 2011:
WTP?
It are now three days after the Australia match and I are still not knowing how we did loose that match. We did DOMINATE (trademark pending) them for almost all of the match, but in the end the calculator boffins did tell us that Australia did score more points against us than we did score against them.
I has been asked a lot since the match about that last penalty kick to Australia. I still don't know what happened. It were a Australia line-out inside our half and the linesman did say I did grab the Australian jumper. That are kak! I did not even jump! Victor was the one to push Samoan in the air. All I did was punch the Australian prop next to me and Schalk were busy gouging the other prop's eyes. I think it are a referee and linesman conspiracy against the Bokke to knock us out of the world cup. But I don't think it will work. Not on my watch!
We were all very sad in the change-room after the game. It were deathly quiet, except for Pierre who were doing lunges and power squats. We could hear the celebrations coming from the change-room opposite ours, which had laughter and high fives. There were also a lot of cheers coming from the Australia change-room.
I don't know if I will play for the Bokke again, because the Bokke now needs to build for the futures. So I will gracelessly step aside for the future and hand over the ball to the next up and coming Danie. I hope he can catch.
Totsiens
Danie
