The evolution of the bed

Phase 1: Single life bed

 

 

Phase 2: Courting bed

Phase 3: Being in a relationship bed

Phase 4: Pregnancy bed

 Phase 5: New born bed

Phase 6: Family bed

Stalking problem

I am being stalked!

It's a girl who started working at my company a few months ago. When I first met her she seemed quite normal, even though she is incredibly good looking and very sexy, but because I'm married I don't look at women in that way anymore.

I first started noticing the stalking when I went to lunch at our work's cafeteria after she'd only been working there a few days. She chose to sit at a table opposite mine and I noticed every now and then that she would look up from her lunch to look at me. She did this seven times within a space of twenty-eight minutes. A sure sign that she had a thing for me.

Over the next few weeks she kept sitting opposite me during my lunch and to make people think she wasn't following me around, she would quite often go to lunch before I got there. Throughout those lunches she would keep glancing at me. She would also deliberately wear skirts or dresses that showed off her soft, supple legs. She'd pretend to be annoyed when she noticed me staring.

But it wasn't just during lunches. She would often leave work more or less the same time when I left work. She'd follow me to the train station and often get on the same train as the one I was getting on. And even though her stop was four stops after mine she would often get off at my stop, when she was meeting up with her friends at one of the clubs close to my station. Cleverly it wasn't my local she'd go to, but one that was a bit further away. She went to that club on three separate occasions during a four week period and pretended to ignore me as I stood in the shadows while she flirted outrageously with men who weren't good enough for her. On one of these occasions she even went home with one of these scum-bags and had to take a train to the middle of nowhere before they got to his place.

She was obviously just toying with that poor scum-bag and she didn't see him again after that night due to an anonymous email she received about his intentions.

Anyway, I don't know what to do about this stalker. I know that sometimes stalkers collect personal items from their victims, but after copying a set of her house keys while she was away from her desk and then taking a day's leave to search her flat, I couldn't find any of my stuff there. She was obviously hiding it elsewhere. Her flat makes her appear quite an innocent young lady, but some of her underwear says otherwise. I made sure I kept a pair of her panties to show the police in case she goes all psycho on me one day, to prove how kinky she is. They're red and lacy and very soft on the skin.

I'm sure you can all agree that despite her faults, she needs help.

Mental Olympics

Back in December I was given a Mensa puzzle as a secret Santa present at work. It's now eight months on and I have a new respect for Mensa athletes.

It's a 3D noughts and crosses puzzle.

So normal noughts and crosses is fairly complicated, but this takes it to the next level. Mensa are kind enough to include some rules with regards to playing this game.

What? Three in a row? This is very complicated. No wonder these Mensa people are such geniuses. It's so complicated.

Anyway, I am determined to be just as clever as these Mensa people, but I'll be honest, I'm struggling. Eight months on and I haven't even come close to winning a game.

I don't know where I'm going wrong.

The miracle of bearing a child

My wife isn't pregnant. We are pregnant.

My wife isn't excited about the future. We are excited about the future.

My wife isn't enjoying the feeling of a new life growing inside her. We are enjoying the feeling of a new life growing inside her.

My wife hasn't gone off certain foods. We have gone off certain foods.

My wife can't sleep at night because she's too uncomfortable. We can't sleep at night because she's too uncomfortable.


My wife isn't hormonal. We are hormonal.

My wife doesn't want to watch girly programs on TV because my programs are stupid. We want to watch girly programs on TV because my programs are stupid.

My wife doesn't cry while watching dog food commercials, because the puppy had such a sad face. We cry while watching dog food commercials, because the puppy had such a sad face.

My wife isn't constipated. We are constipated.

My wife doesn't have exploding diarrhea. We have exploding diarrhea.

My wife doesn't want to cut my cock off for doing this to her. We want to cut my cock off for doing this to her.

Handball

This is the romantic story of how I accidentally gave a homosexual man a hand-job.

When I finished school, I had to choose between going to university or doing conscription, which is one year's service in the South African national defence force (army).

Because I'm quite a clever chap, I knew that conscription was soon to come to an end, so if I went to university, by the time I finished, conscription would be over and I therefore wouldn't have to shot at by enemies of the state for a whole year.

I was seventeen years old when I joined first South African Infantry Battalion (1SAI) and was soon to learn that I was easy pickings for the gay community in the army. It was our first week and we had to get our teenage hair cut. The army employed two male "hairdressers" to shave use like sheep with their trimmers in a factory style assembly line.

I don't want to start throwing around the stereotype that all hairdressers are gay, but the one that ended up grooming me, could be described as a gay version of Elton John. As I sat down in the chair, he flung the batman-style cloak over me, which is used to stop the hair falling onto my clothes. The cloak also covered by hands, which were resting on the armrests.

He started by trimming the back of my head and I didn't feel awkward with a gay man standing behind me with a handheld electrical device. Then he moved to the front and stood just to the side of my legs and moved in closer to the chair, where his man-package all of a sudden pressed up against my curvaceous, virginal hand which was beneath the batman cloak, resting on the armrest.

My first thought was that I should pull my sweet innocent hand away, but by doing that I would effectively be rubbing my hand against his junk and for all I knew, he might be thinking that his hand is just pushed up against the arm rest and not my handgina. So I waited for him to shift away from the armrest so that I could then tuck my hand away.

Of course he didn't move away. If anything, he pushed harder against my hand, as though he was trying to get to a tricky bit at the top of my head. There could be no doubt that he could mistake my muscly hand for an armrest. By now I obviously couldn't pull my hand away as it would be even more obvious that his junk was pressed against my hand-shandy maker, and if he by some small marginal chance, still wasn't aware that I was being dry-humped, any movement would alert him to the fact that I had been playing handball for the last thirty seconds.

The tricky hair bit was still giving problems to my rapist and he seemed to shift up onto his toes to get a better view, which created a sliding effect over my hand. Not quite happy with that view, he then lowered his heels to the ground again. No, that wasn't the right angle, he'd have to go onto his heels again. So we went, back and forth, across my once sweet glory-hand, until he was satisfied that his work was done.

He whipped off the batman cloak, gave a cursory glance and my hand and told me that I was done. No thank you. No "see you later". No flowers or chocolates.

But to my rapist's credit, my hair looked fab!

Flowers?

It’s my one year anniversary and it’s also my wife’s one year anniversary. Fate? Anyway, we’re spending it in Portugal. Not much to do but relax and be romantic.

Today my lovely wife took a nice long bath and I joined her. I didn’t join her in the bath, I simply walked into the bathroom, farted and left again.

Who needs flowers?

PC porn

I want to get involved in the pornographic industry in order to make it better.

I know what you're thinking. You think it's very brave of me to want to sacrifice my current career (accountancy), in order to improve a different industry, which has loose morals. Quite frankly, you're right, but I feel that something has to be done!

I once watched a pornographic film. This is the type of film where you not only see a lady's breasts, but you also see her bum and even her groin part. And then you see a gentleman's groin area too and then they actually show the gentleman putting his groin part into the lady's groin part. I did not enjoy watching this pornographic film and would not want to watch another one.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not opposed to people having sexual intercourse. I realise that it is a vital part of the baby making process. The problem I had with this film was that the script was incredibly degrading towards the female species.

The film I watched was about a gentleman who delivered a pizza to a couple ladies. When they looking in their purses, they realised that they didn't have enough cash to pay him, so in order to "pay" for the pizza, the ladies agreed to have sexual intercourse with the gentleman. Not only is this sending out the wrong message about prostitution to young children but the manner in which the gentleman spoke to the two ladies was rude to say the least. If somebody I only just met, called me a dirty slut, I would punch that person right in the nose.

If the gentleman had been more respectful and the ladies concluded the transaction in a much more dignified manner, I would have preferred it much more and wouldn't feel bad about watching it with young children in the room.

I therefore want to get become a script editor for films. With a few simple tweaks to the script, it would be more like this:

Mike - I'm sorry, but if you don't have the money to pay for this pizza, I'll have to take it back.

Bambi -  Are you sure we can't come to another kind of arrangement?

Mike -  What kind of an arrangement?

Bambi - I don't know. I'm so hungry, I'll do almost anything to put that hot thick pizza in my mouth.

Mike - Are you suggesting some kind of financial contract whereby you promise me the cash by a certain date, which would include compound interest at the current bank's lending rate, to be settled either by a lump sum or instalments?

Bambi - That's exactly what I'm suggesting.

Mike - That seems fair. I'll need at least two references and the contract will need to be witnessed by an external party.

Bambi - Well I just happen to have two references here and my roommate Randi can witness the contract. Hey Randi, could you come here quickly?

Randi - What is it? I've just taken a shower and as you can see I'm only wearing this incredibly small towel. Bambi, why don't we have any normal sized towels?

Bambi - Never mind that. I need you to witness this contract. Please read through the contract and if you're happy that everything is in order please initial here, here and sign and date here. Thank you.

Randi - Oh God, financial contracts make me feel so sexy!

Bambi - Me too! Mike would you consider having sexual intercourse with us, just for the sake of pleasure rather than using it as a tool to gain some kind of advantage over the other person? This is obviously dependent on the fact that you're not currently in a relationship with another person.

Mike - Well actually, currently I'm not in a relationship and therefore would be willing to have sexual intercourse with both of you ladies only for the sake of sexual pleasure. Are either of you in a relationship?

Randi - No. We're both single and since our last sexual relationship we've both had our blood tested for sexually transmitted infections and we're both clean. Here, look at the results.

Mike - That all looks in order. Since my last sexual relationship, I too have had my blood tested for sexually transmitted infections and happen to have a copy of it with me. As you can see, I'm clear, but despite this, I still insist on wearing a condom, as it's always best to play it safe.

Bambi - That's right Mike. Safe sex is the best kind of sex.

Randi - I'm now going to drop my incredibly small towel to the floor and you may notice that my breasts are relatively large. I realise that this means that I don't fit into the stereotype according to fashion magazines of what a lady's body should look like, but I am comfortable with my body, no matter what it looks like.

Bambi - Good for you Randi. I too have enormous breasts and I don't let fashion magazines upset me with their pictures of very thin models. Look.

Mike - Well I think both of you have lovely bodies, but I would also like to point out that I find all women of different shapes and sizes attractive, as true beauty is inner beauty. I for instance have a penis that is considerably larger than the average male penis yet despite this, I don't feel bad about it.

Randi - Good for you Mike. Despite your penis not being the norm, I am not put off by it and to show you this I want to put it in my mouth.

Bambi - While Randi is doing that, I would like to pleasure her with my mouth because I don't believe that women should only sexually stimulate men.

Mike - I agree to this and I would like to massage all your breasts while all this is being done, but at any time please let me know if you're not comfortable with any situation and I will stop and we can then talk about the situation.

They arrange themselves in the above mentioned format.

Mike - Oh yes Randi, that feels so good, keep sucking my penis, unless it makes you feel uncomfortable.

Randi - Mnurph gurb cug.

Bambi - I think she's enjoying it, and I'm enjoying pleasuring her with my mouth, but I would also like to pleasure you with my mouth too Mike. I hope that doesn't offend you?

Mike - No Bambi. That doesn't offend me. You and Randi can take turns pleasuring me with your mouths.

Randi - Thanks Mike. We'd also like to rub your penis against our large breasts, if that's alright with you.

Mike - I'm OK with that.

Bambi - Despite all the pleasure I'm getting from your penis in my mouth, I would like you to penetrate my vagina.

Mike - I'm OK with that.

Randi - And while Bambi is doing that I would like to sit on your face.

Mike - I'm OK with that.

A dwarf walks into the room leading a horse

Dwarf - Why does this script refer to me as a dwarf? We preferred to be called "little people".

Bambi - I think that's fair enough. Let's take a time-out to discuss our feelings.

Randi - Yes. I don't want to upset little people or any other kind of people.

Mike - Why is there a horse in your flat?