Love letter

Dear xxxxx

I don’t know how I can tell you how sorry I am for calling you by my ex-girlfriend’s name. I have tried to express my affection for you in the following e-mail. I’m not usually good at expressing my feelings, so please bear with me on this.

I still can’t get over the fact that I called you by her name. For one, she looks nothing like you. You see, my ex-girlfriend was very attractive.

I initially thought about buying you chocolates, but then I remembered that you’re a bit fat. I know you hide it well with your loose clothes and dark colours, but I can tell that you need to slim down a bit. Many of my friends have told me that they think you have a great figure, but you’ll be pleased to know that I stood up for you and corrected them by letting them know that you’re actually a bit of a porker.

I then considered buying you flowers or perfume, but then I remembered that you’re probably not into that whole “nice scent” thing, as I’ve noticed you usually smell of sweat and therefore you probably don’t believe in smelling nice.

I know that women love their make-up, but I didn’t think that would be for you either. If I wanted an attractive girlfriend, I obviously wouldn’t have dated you to start off with.

Buying you clothes was my next option, as I noticed that you’re always spilling food on your clothes. You seem to have mayonnaise stains on almost all your clothes when you get back from work at the “massage centre” where you work. (I still don’t know why you won’t let me visit you at work. I’d love to get a massage from you as I noticed you have a very strong right hand when we held hands the other night). I opted out of the clothes present, because I wasn't sure of your size and the store assistants I spoke to said that there wasn’t a size “quite fat”.

Jewellery wasn’t ever going to be a serious option because I once bought jewellery for my ex (remember her? The attractive one) and it would just remind me of her and it would make me sad whenever you wore your jewellery as I’d be reminded of the great girl I lost.

So in short, I’ve decided to send you this e-mail, to tell you how great you are. I know that you have serious emotional problems ever since you saw your father murder your mother with a chainsaw and I’ve been warned by your friends that I shouldn’t mention it to you, because you might have a relapse, so I won’t. By the way, what was it like being locked in the basement with your mother’s corpse for five days before the police found you? Any further news from the police about finding your father and have they told you about the death threats he’s sent you but they keep hidden from you?

Oh well, I guess I’m just rambling on now. I hope this e-mail has cheered you up and that you’re now willing to forgive me for calling you by my ex-girlfriend’s name (the sexy one).

If you do forgive me, please let me take you out to dinner and a movie tonight. I hear that “Texas chainsaw massacre – the beginning” is showing. Sounds like good fun.

Hope to hear from you soon.

Take care,
Muppet