Dear xxxxx
I don’t know how I can tell you how sorry I am for calling you by my ex-girlfriend’s name. I have tried to express my affection for you in the following e-mail. I’m not usually good at expressing my feelings, so please bear with me on this.
I still can’t get over the fact that I called you by her name. For one, she looks nothing like you. You see, my ex-girlfriend was very attractive.
I initially thought about buying you chocolates, but then I remembered that you’re a bit fat. I know you hide it well with your loose clothes and dark colours, but I can tell that you need to slim down a bit. Many of my friends have told me that they think you have a great figure, but you’ll be pleased to know that I stood up for you and corrected them by letting them know that you’re actually a bit of a porker.
I then considered buying you flowers or perfume, but then I remembered that you’re probably not into that whole “nice scent” thing, as I’ve noticed you usually smell of sweat and therefore you probably don’t believe in smelling nice.
I know that women love their make-up, but I didn’t think that would be for you either. If I wanted an attractive girlfriend, I obviously wouldn’t have dated you to start off with.
Buying you clothes was my next option, as I noticed that you’re always spilling food on your clothes. You seem to have mayonnaise stains on almost all your clothes when you get back from work at the “massage centre” where you work. (I still don’t know why you won’t let me visit you at work. I’d love to get a massage from you as I noticed you have a very strong right hand when we held hands the other night). I opted out of the clothes present, because I wasn't sure of your size and the store assistants I spoke to said that there wasn’t a size “quite fat”.
Jewellery wasn’t ever going to be a serious option because I once bought jewellery for my ex (remember her? The attractive one) and it would just remind me of her and it would make me sad whenever you wore your jewellery as I’d be reminded of the great girl I lost.
So in short, I’ve decided to send you this e-mail, to tell you how great you are. I know that you have serious emotional problems ever since you saw your father murder your mother with a chainsaw and I’ve been warned by your friends that I shouldn’t mention it to you, because you might have a relapse, so I won’t. By the way, what was it like being locked in the basement with your mother’s corpse for five days before the police found you? Any further news from the police about finding your father and have they told you about the death threats he’s sent you but they keep hidden from you?
Oh well, I guess I’m just rambling on now. I hope this e-mail has cheered you up and that you’re now willing to forgive me for calling you by my ex-girlfriend’s name (the sexy one).
If you do forgive me, please let me take you out to dinner and a movie tonight. I hear that “Texas chainsaw massacre – the beginning” is showing. Sounds like good fun.
Hope to hear from you soon.
Take care,
Muppet
Wednesday, 31 October 2007
Saturday, 20 October 2007
RWC final - England vs Boks: head to head
15 Jason Robinson vs Percy Montgomery
Jason has developed from being a fine beer into a fine wine. He’s more expensive than beer and not as gassy.
Percy is like supermodel. Great hair, great legs and has a few restraining orders against me.
Even
14 Paul Sackey vs Bryan Habana
When Paul was first chosen for England, many England supporters were downhearted and felt depressed. It turns out it had nothing to do with Paul. That’s just the way they are.
A lot has been talked about how Bryan races against cheetahs back in SA. What people fail to mention is that Bryan lost 2 out of those 3 races. He’s not so fast after all.
Adv Boks
13 Mathew Tait vs Jaque Fourie
They say that dynamite come in small packages. I for one think that’s disgusting. Why can’t dynamite find some old woman in a coma like normal people do?
Jaque is a very humble young man. His insight into Fijian rugby was an eye-opener. He undoubtedly respects what England have achieved over the last four years.
Even
12 Mike Catt vs Francois Steyn
Mike brings experience to the England backline. Lots of it. Tons in fact. Fuck me, he’s old! But he’s from Port Elizabeth, so he’s probably a great guy.
A lot has been said about Francois’s age. He’s been described as one for the future. But as the saying goes “If you’re good enough, you’re old enough.” Unfortunately, a catholic priest came up with that saying.
Adv England
11 Mark Cueto vs JP Pietersen
Mark’s undoubted talent has been spotted on the training fields and has forced his way back into this powerful England team.
JP has had to live in Habana’s shadow throughout this tournament. That probably sounds racist, so I apologise.
Even
10 Jonny Wilkinson vs Butch James
Jonny has single-handedly turned this England team around from playing boring ten man rugby in their first two pool matches into the dynamic attacking, running fifteen man team it is today.
Butch’s overconfidence might well be his downfall. He thinks he’s so great, he quite often plays without even using his arms.
Adv England
9 Andy Gomarsall vs Fourie du Preez
Matt Dawson has publicly asked for Andy’s passport to be torn up after consistently putting in great performance one after the other. It’s just not English!
Fourie has been one of the Boks stand out players, even though he’s played behind a pack that’s consistently gone backwards and a backline that just aimlessly kicks the ball away. In fact it’s probably difficult for him to not be a stand out player with the shit players around him.
Adv Boks
8 Nick Easter vs Danie Rossouw
Nick has been a revelation since being included in the England team. His sense of sarcasm and digs at the press have been brilliant during interviews.
Danie is a number eight from the old school. What he lacks in pace and flair, he makes up for with bad handling skills and lack of intelligent play.
Adv England
7 Lewis Moody vs Schalk Burger
Almost all English rugby journalists have written about the fact that Lewis isn’t an openside flanker. Lucky for England, Lewis can’t read.
Schalk has been solid since returning from his two match suspension for trying kill the IRB’s sense of smug self-satisfaction.
Adv Boks
6 Martin Corry vs Juan Smith
Martin is one of those players who isn’t in the limelight as much as many of his teammates. He doesn’t have the aerial skills of Moody, or the deft off loading touches of Shaw, but somebody has to the tough jobs, like giving the guys rubdowns and washing the mud off their boots after the game.
Juan has been outstanding. Even when he’s tried to rip opposition players’ heads off, his look of innocence and regret has been first class.
Adv Boks
5 Ben Kay vs Victor Matfield
Ben has been like Martin Johnson during this world cup. He’s given lots of interviews and talked about “the lads” a lot.
Victor took twenty minutes to figure out Argentina’s line-out in the semi-finals. It’s amazing that an Afrikaaner can make the calls “front” or “back” in such a short space of time. A true great of the game.
Adv Boks
4 Simon Shaw vs Bakkies Botha
Simon has lifted his game to new heights. That’s a lock joke. Another lock joke – Ali Williams.
Bakkies continues to play the game on the edge. He’s the brute force that frees up the finesse players like Burger and Roussouw.
Adv England
3 Phil Vickery vs Os du Randt
Phil’s captaincy for the world cup was assured as soon as the Sun figured out that they could use the headline “Phil Victory”. The back-up plan of using “More Tin Corry” seemed too disrespectful for the RWC trophy.
Twelve years ago, Os was considered a poor scrummager. Now in 2007, the Os we knew from twelve years ago has lost quite a bit of hair.
Adv England
2 Mark Regan vs John Smit
Mark is a feisty character who has been inspired by the players around him. I haven’t seen a grown man cry so much since Dallaglio during the national anthems.
John has led his players from the front. Unfortunately that front has been going backwards against the England and Argentinian scrums.
Adv Boks
1 Andrew Sheridan vs CJ van der Linde
Andrew is considered a tough guy on the field but a quiet soft-spoken man off it. Of course his quiet unassuming smile is quite off putting when you see pieces of the Australian front row stuck between his teeth.
A lot of people have criticised CJ for spending too much time between the centres or on the wing. Most of these critics have been the Bok centres and the wings who also don’t want to go scrum against Sheridan.
Adv England
England – 6
Boks – 6
Even – 3
Jason has developed from being a fine beer into a fine wine. He’s more expensive than beer and not as gassy.
Percy is like supermodel. Great hair, great legs and has a few restraining orders against me.
Even
14 Paul Sackey vs Bryan Habana
When Paul was first chosen for England, many England supporters were downhearted and felt depressed. It turns out it had nothing to do with Paul. That’s just the way they are.
A lot has been talked about how Bryan races against cheetahs back in SA. What people fail to mention is that Bryan lost 2 out of those 3 races. He’s not so fast after all.
Adv Boks
13 Mathew Tait vs Jaque Fourie
They say that dynamite come in small packages. I for one think that’s disgusting. Why can’t dynamite find some old woman in a coma like normal people do?
Jaque is a very humble young man. His insight into Fijian rugby was an eye-opener. He undoubtedly respects what England have achieved over the last four years.
Even
12 Mike Catt vs Francois Steyn
Mike brings experience to the England backline. Lots of it. Tons in fact. Fuck me, he’s old! But he’s from Port Elizabeth, so he’s probably a great guy.
A lot has been said about Francois’s age. He’s been described as one for the future. But as the saying goes “If you’re good enough, you’re old enough.” Unfortunately, a catholic priest came up with that saying.
Adv England
11 Mark Cueto vs JP Pietersen
Mark’s undoubted talent has been spotted on the training fields and has forced his way back into this powerful England team.
JP has had to live in Habana’s shadow throughout this tournament. That probably sounds racist, so I apologise.
Even
10 Jonny Wilkinson vs Butch James
Jonny has single-handedly turned this England team around from playing boring ten man rugby in their first two pool matches into the dynamic attacking, running fifteen man team it is today.
Butch’s overconfidence might well be his downfall. He thinks he’s so great, he quite often plays without even using his arms.
Adv England
9 Andy Gomarsall vs Fourie du Preez
Matt Dawson has publicly asked for Andy’s passport to be torn up after consistently putting in great performance one after the other. It’s just not English!
Fourie has been one of the Boks stand out players, even though he’s played behind a pack that’s consistently gone backwards and a backline that just aimlessly kicks the ball away. In fact it’s probably difficult for him to not be a stand out player with the shit players around him.
Adv Boks
8 Nick Easter vs Danie Rossouw
Nick has been a revelation since being included in the England team. His sense of sarcasm and digs at the press have been brilliant during interviews.
Danie is a number eight from the old school. What he lacks in pace and flair, he makes up for with bad handling skills and lack of intelligent play.
Adv England
7 Lewis Moody vs Schalk Burger
Almost all English rugby journalists have written about the fact that Lewis isn’t an openside flanker. Lucky for England, Lewis can’t read.
Schalk has been solid since returning from his two match suspension for trying kill the IRB’s sense of smug self-satisfaction.
Adv Boks
6 Martin Corry vs Juan Smith
Martin is one of those players who isn’t in the limelight as much as many of his teammates. He doesn’t have the aerial skills of Moody, or the deft off loading touches of Shaw, but somebody has to the tough jobs, like giving the guys rubdowns and washing the mud off their boots after the game.
Juan has been outstanding. Even when he’s tried to rip opposition players’ heads off, his look of innocence and regret has been first class.
Adv Boks
5 Ben Kay vs Victor Matfield
Ben has been like Martin Johnson during this world cup. He’s given lots of interviews and talked about “the lads” a lot.
Victor took twenty minutes to figure out Argentina’s line-out in the semi-finals. It’s amazing that an Afrikaaner can make the calls “front” or “back” in such a short space of time. A true great of the game.
Adv Boks
4 Simon Shaw vs Bakkies Botha
Simon has lifted his game to new heights. That’s a lock joke. Another lock joke – Ali Williams.
Bakkies continues to play the game on the edge. He’s the brute force that frees up the finesse players like Burger and Roussouw.
Adv England
3 Phil Vickery vs Os du Randt
Phil’s captaincy for the world cup was assured as soon as the Sun figured out that they could use the headline “Phil Victory”. The back-up plan of using “More Tin Corry” seemed too disrespectful for the RWC trophy.
Twelve years ago, Os was considered a poor scrummager. Now in 2007, the Os we knew from twelve years ago has lost quite a bit of hair.
Adv England
2 Mark Regan vs John Smit
Mark is a feisty character who has been inspired by the players around him. I haven’t seen a grown man cry so much since Dallaglio during the national anthems.
John has led his players from the front. Unfortunately that front has been going backwards against the England and Argentinian scrums.
Adv Boks
1 Andrew Sheridan vs CJ van der Linde
Andrew is considered a tough guy on the field but a quiet soft-spoken man off it. Of course his quiet unassuming smile is quite off putting when you see pieces of the Australian front row stuck between his teeth.
A lot of people have criticised CJ for spending too much time between the centres or on the wing. Most of these critics have been the Bok centres and the wings who also don’t want to go scrum against Sheridan.
Adv England
England – 6
Boks – 6
Even – 3
Wednesday, 17 October 2007
ITV announce All Blacks were merked
ITV today admitted to organising the New Zealand rugby team, known as the All Blacks, to lose to their French counterparts in the rugby world cup quarterfinals.
The All Blacks went into the tournament as overwhelming favourites. They had won all their pool matches with ease and were expected to go on to crush all other opposition on route to the final.
However ITV, who had bought the broadcasting rights to show the tournaments matches, had a hidden agenda during the tournament. Many of the cameras were not focussed on the game but in fact on many of the coaches and fans in the stands. These cameras were part of a new program ITV will be launching on Saturday evening, right after the rugby world cup final, called “Smile, you’ve been merked.”
This new reality program is the brainchild of Lisa Spreadbury, the marketing director for ITV. ‘The fact of the matter is that viewers enjoy reality TV.’ admitted Spreadbury when confronted about the show. ‘Viewer statistics show that more people watch X Factor and Strictly Come Dancing than any scripted program on television. Reality TV is the future and what better way than combining sport with candid camera?’
The premise of “Smile, you’ve been merked” is a series of elaborate practical jokes that aren’t just aimed at one or two people, but at hundreds or thousands of people, or in the All Blacks case, an entire nation.
Andrew Williams, ITV’s spokesperson, had been hoping to keep the new program a secret until the world cup had ended, but sources from within the All Black camp had managed to get their hands on proof of the practical joke. ‘It’s a shame that they found out before the program was played,’ Mr Williams admitted. ‘We were hoping to film all the players reaction when they found out they had been merked.’
Current All Black captain Richie McCaw, was initially shocked to hear that a joke had been played on them, but admits that it makes perfect sense when he thought about it. ‘Right from the start of the quarter final match against France, I felt that something wasn’t quite right.’ McCaw says. ‘The first sign was that we weren’t leading comfortable by the twenty minute mark. Throughout the match those fifty-fifty decisions seemed to be going against us all the time.’
ITV had combined forces with the IRB to set up this prank. They had hired an actor to play a referee for the match, called Wayne Barnes. Mr Barnes was given very limited time to be seen in the international rugby limelight and many eyebrows were raised when he had been appointed to referee this match.
‘Playing a rugby referee was a great challenge for me’ explained Mr Barnes speaking from his Hollywood loft compartment. ‘I was given just over one year to prepare for this big match and refereed a handful of matches leading up to it. I had to come across as a semi-decent referee before kick-off, but once the match started I could finally have fun.’
“Smile, you’ve been merked” will show interviews with key personnel before and after each match to describe how they plan on pranking their targets.
‘It wasn’t easy to keep a straight face throughout the match’ Mr Barnes admitted, ‘But I knew that my cover would have been blown if I had laughed out loud when I sent Luke McAllister off the field. I really struggled to keep a straight face during that part.’
When asked about the obvious forward passes that led to the French try, Mr Barnes just smiled and said, ‘Yeah, that was a tough one to pretend I didn’t see, but my touch judge, Jonathan Kaplan, told me in my earpiece that the passes were momentum and not forward, so laughing to myself I carried on with play.’
When pressed for more hints of what’s to come, Mr Williams from ITV, also noted with a glint in his eye, ‘Well let’s just say that England have done really well in the rugby recently and we have quite a few cameras in Iraq at the moment.’
The All Blacks went into the tournament as overwhelming favourites. They had won all their pool matches with ease and were expected to go on to crush all other opposition on route to the final.
However ITV, who had bought the broadcasting rights to show the tournaments matches, had a hidden agenda during the tournament. Many of the cameras were not focussed on the game but in fact on many of the coaches and fans in the stands. These cameras were part of a new program ITV will be launching on Saturday evening, right after the rugby world cup final, called “Smile, you’ve been merked.”
This new reality program is the brainchild of Lisa Spreadbury, the marketing director for ITV. ‘The fact of the matter is that viewers enjoy reality TV.’ admitted Spreadbury when confronted about the show. ‘Viewer statistics show that more people watch X Factor and Strictly Come Dancing than any scripted program on television. Reality TV is the future and what better way than combining sport with candid camera?’
The premise of “Smile, you’ve been merked” is a series of elaborate practical jokes that aren’t just aimed at one or two people, but at hundreds or thousands of people, or in the All Blacks case, an entire nation.
Andrew Williams, ITV’s spokesperson, had been hoping to keep the new program a secret until the world cup had ended, but sources from within the All Black camp had managed to get their hands on proof of the practical joke. ‘It’s a shame that they found out before the program was played,’ Mr Williams admitted. ‘We were hoping to film all the players reaction when they found out they had been merked.’
Current All Black captain Richie McCaw, was initially shocked to hear that a joke had been played on them, but admits that it makes perfect sense when he thought about it. ‘Right from the start of the quarter final match against France, I felt that something wasn’t quite right.’ McCaw says. ‘The first sign was that we weren’t leading comfortable by the twenty minute mark. Throughout the match those fifty-fifty decisions seemed to be going against us all the time.’
ITV had combined forces with the IRB to set up this prank. They had hired an actor to play a referee for the match, called Wayne Barnes. Mr Barnes was given very limited time to be seen in the international rugby limelight and many eyebrows were raised when he had been appointed to referee this match.
‘Playing a rugby referee was a great challenge for me’ explained Mr Barnes speaking from his Hollywood loft compartment. ‘I was given just over one year to prepare for this big match and refereed a handful of matches leading up to it. I had to come across as a semi-decent referee before kick-off, but once the match started I could finally have fun.’
“Smile, you’ve been merked” will show interviews with key personnel before and after each match to describe how they plan on pranking their targets.
‘It wasn’t easy to keep a straight face throughout the match’ Mr Barnes admitted, ‘But I knew that my cover would have been blown if I had laughed out loud when I sent Luke McAllister off the field. I really struggled to keep a straight face during that part.’
When asked about the obvious forward passes that led to the French try, Mr Barnes just smiled and said, ‘Yeah, that was a tough one to pretend I didn’t see, but my touch judge, Jonathan Kaplan, told me in my earpiece that the passes were momentum and not forward, so laughing to myself I carried on with play.’
When pressed for more hints of what’s to come, Mr Williams from ITV, also noted with a glint in his eye, ‘Well let’s just say that England have done really well in the rugby recently and we have quite a few cameras in Iraq at the moment.’
Wednesday, 10 October 2007
Still no work
I work as a male prostitute. A very expensive male prostitute. So expensive that nobody can afford me. Well so it seems... they've never actually asked me how much I charge. I think they just presume that I'm really expensive and therefore don't bother asking. I don't know why. I don't wear nice clothes. I'm not good looking. I have awful manners. I'm in bad shape. I think it's very presumptious of them to just think that I'm out of their price range. It's a sad reflection of society, if you think about it.
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