Awesome PI

Max Awesome was a private dick. This meant that he was an investigator, who could be hired to investigate private matters and not anything pornographic involving penises.

Max was incredibly handsome, like a full furred goat basting in a low carbon footprint with an ambivalent piece of toast. He had a body that appeared sculpted out of hot college girls’ dreams, but not the type of dream that involved shopping for shoes. Max was also incredibly intelligent like a satellite dish that knew how to program a VCR without a remote control.

He was resting in his office, after translating Tolstoy’s War and Peace into Russian, which he did in his spare time, for orphaned children, when she walked into the room.

She was strikingly beautiful like a drunken teenager lost in a dark park. Her hair bounced with every step she took like an obese seven year old running on a treadmill and flowed down her back like a river of hair, that ended about half way down her back. Her back was like a normal back, but sexier.

She stopped as she reached Max’s solid oak desk, which had been given to him by the Dalai Lama, after Max saved Mr Lama’s life after his bungee cord snapped.

“I want you,” she purred like a cat who could speak English.

“I know,” said Max, handsomely.

“My name is Tatiana Moscowvich. I need your help.” She spoke in a foreign accent. Max suspected that she was Russian.

“Are you Russian?” Max queried, with one raised eyebrow, which hinted at promises of multiple orgasms and free beer.

“How did you know?” She enquired, while her breasts bounced gently like two small puppies killing a kitten with mange.

“I can speak twenty three different languages, Miss Moscowvich. Including Swedish, Switzerland, English and Russian,” Max said with an air of confidence that made him win the Nobel Peace Prize for making women want to have sex with him, despite them not really taking the time to get to know him.

“You’re amazing,” said Tatiana, who was a part time super model, but spent the most of her time working as a scientist on top secret stuff.

Max stood up, stretching his muscular legs and perfect six-pack, which held Tatiana’s eyes briefly, before she stared lustily at his crotch which bulged in his jeans, despite him not having to put socks down there.



To be continued...

The dark alley of dreams

Now I’m not gay or anything like that, but on the weekend I dreamt about producing my very own West End Musical.

Is that gay? I don’t think that’s gay. I think it’s a good financial investment. Top musicals are worth millions. Andrew Lloyd Webber isn’t gay and he’s done tons of musicals. So I’m pretty sure it’s not gay. The name of my dream musical is “Knob-rash – The Musical”.

That’s still not gay, is it? I don’t think so. So the dream wasn’t too specific about where the lead actor picked up his knob-rash, but it itched like an angry dragon, which is depicted in the play as actors lying underneath a large piece of green canvas and shaking it vigorously, in the form of an angry dragon.

Urban dictionary’s definition of the angry dragon:

Immediately after you blow your load in a girl's mouth, smack the back of her head and make it come out her nose. When she gets up she'll look like an angry dragon.

I think if you do that to a guy instead of a girl, it might be considered gay, but I don’t think about such things, because I’m probably not gay.

Anyway... we’ve established that I’m not gay even though I dream about West End musicals and sucking off dead pirates.

Kouple Karaoke

A nice way of introducing a bit of romance into a relationship is by singing a duet with that special girl in your life. There are some classic hits that are great for duets. So pull up your karaoke machine, plug in the microphone and set the machine to Elton John and Kiki Dee's "Don't go breaking my heart".

Her - Don't go breaking my heart
Him - I don’t really care
Her - Honey if I get restless
Him – I’ll presume it’s that time of the month

Her - Don't go breaking my heart
Him – Yeah I think you’ve already mentioned that
Her - Honey when you knock on my door
Him – I’ll probably want a blow-job

Her - Nobody knows it
Him – I want you to go down
Her - I was your clown
Him – She’s into role-play
Her - Right from the start
Her - I gave you my heart
Him - I spunked on your tits

Her - So don't go breaking my heart
Him – Oh for fuck’s sake! This again!
Her - Don't go breaking my heart

Her - And nobody told us
Him – Why are you still singing?
Her - And now it's up to us babe
Him – Fetch me a beer

Her - So don't misunderstand me
Him – I’m still waiting for my beer
Her - You put the sparks to the flame
Him – I fucked your mum